Sunday Updates

I can't believe I've been living with R for five weeks now. We were talking about it the other night and he said it seems like I've been here for much longer. I agree with that when it comes to my comfort level and being used to everything. The first couple weeks were a little unsure as we dealt with the obvious repercussions of living with someone before your relationship is quite ready. Not that we aren't good or happy living together. But there is a certain level of intimacy that comes with cohabiting that generally exists in increments beforehand. After a month however, I do feel like that level has naturally been reached just by virtue of the situation itself.

Here are some other life updates:

• I began a new job as a barista nearby. The hours are early and somewhat long compared to what I am used to, but for the most part I am glad to be working so close to home. I am still working my other job in the city but since R is moving from night shifts to days, I will only be able to work there on Saturdays. My hope is to get a car and begin working there more when I can.
  
• It's been difficult dealing with Milo's death. I spent a good week after being haunted by the vision of his body when I tried to sleep at night. I'd have to turn on a podcast to distract me in order to fall asleep. Penny seems to be doing really well. I think she's happy to not be bullied anymore. But we still really miss him.
  
• The days are filled with work, Royals games, painting, and projects. I've been following the Royals games this season and I've gotten pretty into it and attached to the players (Hosmer!). I've been working on my painting and practicing with that. I should start looking up different techniques, and I'd like to try oil painting sometime soon as well.
  
• I've been trying to learn how to continue positive thinking, I am teaching myself how to accept and be part of right now instead of spending all my time thinking about what I wish would happen. I spend so much time thinking and worrying about the future, I think I have the tendency to miss out on right now. I am trying to change that and not worry so much.

• And lastly, R is on a week-long vacation from work this week so naturally, he's planned a little trip for us. I honestly don't know a whole lot about it other than that we're going to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, Silver Dollar City, and Cape Girardeau. Although I couldn't tell you what's in the latter, R informs me the five to six hour drive will be worth it and I'm going to love the reason we're going.
  I don't think I really even know when we're leaving...today? Or tomorrow? I don't know. We'll see what happens.
  If you haven't gathered, R likes to surprise me a lot. Whether it's mysterious trips, or fine papers from work (he works in a warehouse that ships paper), or donuts in the morning. R is so good to me and I love everything he does. <3

So there you have it for now. I am excited for this trip and I'll definitely share what I can here. I hope all is well with you and you're enjoying the season! I am definitely looking forward to the drive through the Ozarks and seeing all the beautiful colors and fall leaves. More soon and best wishes! 

Milo.

My sweet baby died today. 

He was only two years old, but he lived the fullest life a bunny could have. I know a lot of people don't know much about rabbits, but they're just like cats and dogs. We bought him from a breeder whose main buyers were those interested in rabbit meat. And for a rabbit who could have been meat, Milo was pretty damn lively.

Milo had the biggest personality of any animal I've met. I will miss his grandpa face, the way he'd ignore me when I called him, and when he didn't. I will miss how he would hop over immediately if he heard the fridge open, the way he'd try (and succeed) to jump in the trash can and eat leftover vegetables.
Milo gave no fucks. He did what he wanted and was never afraid of other animals or people. He'd lay where he pleased and try to steal your food if it happened to be something he liked. I remember one time this summer when he climbed on the windowsills and ate all the herbs and plants I was growing. His breath smelled like mint and rosemary for two days.

I have so many wonderful memories of my little bunny boy, I couldn't possibly write them all.
Milo was my baby and my heart is broken by his passing. He was funny, loving, friendly and sweet.
I will miss him so much. Rest in peace, Milo. I love you!

Dark Purple Nails & All the Dreams & Plans

This week has been successful so far and with just two days left, I think I feel good about it overall. R and I moved some of my stuff to his house over the weekend, but there's still quite a bit left at the apartment. My goal for the weekend is to get as much as I can done over there and hopefully by the end of next week, I can be finished with it.

My overall attitude has been a positive one. I am happy to see R everyday, even if it's just for an hour or two before he heads to work. Although, this will be changing very soon since he received a promotion of sorts at work and gets to have normal day hours instead of working at night. Because of this, however, I am struggling to figure out the transportation question for work. My job is now thirty minutes away and without a car, I will have no way to get there. I've applied for some office/secretary positions at R's work, which I feel would be the ultimate break that I've been looking for. It would be 40+ hours a week, pay really well, and I'd pretty much have my own car in about a month. So we'll see what happens, if anything. It's entirely possible (and likely) that I'll just end up working two retail jobs out here until I can get back on my feet.

There's a lot that's been floating around in my head lately. The drives to work are long enough for me to think about things. I've determined that I need to put my dreaming on hold for now since it isn't conducive to my place in life at the moment. I had thought very seriously about putting all my money into moving to Chicago. It's been my dream to live there since I visited for the first time a few years ago. But it's just not a practical option. So I've shifted my focus and I am now completely dedicated to becoming the most independent person I can be. I am already pretty much there as far as my confidence and my ability to take care of myself and be on my own. The tough part now is working towards being financially independent. I want to have a good enough job to buy my own car, pay for my own place, and live comfortably without worrying or having to rely on family and friends. I've never been able to do that and I feel like as an almost 23-year-old, now is about the time. After I have reached that goal, I will be able to focus more on what I like and what I want to do.

Until then, I am trying to remember what an exciting and transitional time this is for me. My mom always tries to remind me that I don't have children or major responsibilities like that, so this should be an exciting time of possibilities. She's right and I try to keep that in mind. I am still only 22. It's almost 9 PM and I can stay up however late I want, color in my brand new Fantastic Cities coloring book, journal, drink Arizona strawberry lemonade, and paint my nails dark purple, which are all the things I am going to do.

Packing and Bruno Mars Songs

Tonight is my last night in the apartment. I'm sitting in my empty room, singing along to stupid pop songs (All you young, wild girls you make a mess of me. Yeah, you young, wild girls you'll be the death of me, the death me!), thinking of all that needs to be done, and what this week and the weeks following will bring.
I can feel myself changing. I can see it in how I carry myself these days, and I feel myself refreshing, but building stronger and stronger. For the first time in my life, I feel confident enough to see myself as a woman rather than a child. And I know that all of this is just the beginning for me.
My new environment will certainly test me in more ways than one. It's not ideal, but it's the challenge that has been placed in front of me, and I am more than willing to accept it: I look forward to it.
Tomorrow is the first day of the next chapter in my life. I'm ready and I'm excited.

50 Things to Do For Fall

September is finally here and although it may or may not be 90-something degrees out right now, fall is just around the corner, and omg I'm excited! I wanted to share a list I made of some things I'd like to do this season, along with some other activities you might enjoy. Take some from my list and make one for yourself! What's on your fall to-do list?

1. Drink apple cider
2. Watch a football game
3. Attend a baseball game
4. Go camping
5. Visit a theme park 
6. Go to the fair or a festival
7. Play a board game
8. Go to the Renaissance Faire (KC's is starting soon!)
9. Visit a museum
10. Go hiking
11. Pick out pumpkins at the pumpkin patch
12. Carve said pumpkins
13. Bake a pie or cobbler from scratch
14. Go fruit-picking
15. Make fall decorations
16. Go antique shopping
17. Bake bread from scratch
18. Buy a dark fall nail polish
19. Decorate your front door or stoop
20. Have a bonfire
21. Drink hot tea
22. Have a fall picnic
23. Jump in a pile of leaves
24. Go for a fall country drive
25. Learn a new recipe and perfect it for Thanksgiving
26. Shop for new fall clothes (My obsession this year...and let's be honest, every year...is scarves!)
27. Make s'mores over a fire
28. Learn to crochet a scarf
29. Start on some Christmas shopping or handmade gifts
30. Go on a walk at night
31. Stock up on holiday craft supplies
32. Go to the bookstore and buy a new book
33. Sit outside and read said book
34. Go to the park
35. Make a stew
36. Explore a new town
37. Go to the farmer's market
38. Make a fall playlist
39. Watch a Halloween movie (Don't like scary movies? Me neither. I'm sticking to Halloweentown and Halloweentown II. Like a boss.)
40. Write in a journal. If you don't have one, start one!
41. Find a press leaves
42. Buy some bath bombs from Lush
43. Go on a fall road trip
44. Practice calligraphy, watercolors, or a new skill
45. Buy some fall candles
46. Write what you're thankful for
47. Make a Halloween costume (if not for yourself, then maybe for a young friend!)
48. Have a movie marathon
49. Drink coffee with a flavored creamer
50. Buy a Thanksgiving outfit

No More Hiding

I've been struggling a lot recently. I want to be honest and open about what's going on in my life, but at the same time, I'm fully aware that not everyone wants to read sob-stories about how bad someone else's life is. But I want to be honest. This blog is meant to be a record of sorts for my journey and my life. I can't just tailor it to what looks and sounds good.

I'm not too proud of my life right now. I try to be, but at the same time, I'm still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the divorce and everything that has followed. In recent days, I've tried to analyze why exactly this is and what I can do to change it. I think my shame and embarrassment stems from my fear that others are judging me. Getting a divorce is a somewhat critical moment in a person's life, and people are bound to have some commentary about "what ought to be done". I don't deal well with that kind of criticism. It's very destructive for me, and I always end up feeling guilty for not very clear reasons.

Blogging is difficult sometimes because the majority of bloggers tend to tailor every aspect of their life, as depicted on their blog, as being perfect and beautiful all the time. I just...can't be that way. There's hasn't been enough stability and happiness in my life right now, or even in recent years, to warrant that kind of deliriously positive attitude. Even if it's fake.
So I've decided to just own everything. Good, bad, really bad. I want to be real and let others know who may be going through something similar, that they don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed of what they're going through.

Here's me being honest: My life has been kind of a nightmare the past two or three months. I've pretty much had no money...and I don't mean "Oh, I have about $50 in the bank." I mean, it's been under $5 for over two months. I've probably applied to over twenty different jobs, had two interviews which went well but I didn't get them for whatever reason, so I still don't have a second job. I've spent most of the summer starving or stretching food out in order to keep from going hungry. The last few weeks have been alright because I've had help from family just bringing by stuff they had or buying things for me. But I've mostly felt shame because of that as well. And the only great happiness I have in my life is my boyfriend and my job. Yes, I am dating someone and have been for about three months. (We'll call him R for right now.)

On top of all this, I can no longer afford the apartment. I've spent a lot of weeks wondering whether or not I'll be homeless in a month because I can't afford it by myself. I have nowhere to go. It's been really bad.
Finally, R offered for me to come live with him. It would be a safe, stable option and I could pay off my debts and save up money. I don't worry about whether or not we'd along or anything. R and I have been friends for a few years now and we know each other really well. And I know that he'd offer even if we weren't seeing each other. So...I accepted. I'm moving in next weekend.

I feel like I've had a buzzing in my head for the past three months and it's finally quieting down. It's a huge relief. I have the foundation I need to begin building myself back up and getting to where I need to be. It's not an ideal situation, as I'll be living in the suburbs instead of the city, but it will be nice to have somewhere to live for the foreseeable future. (Don't worry, I'll talk about him at some point, just not today.)

My biggest challenge emotionally has been learning how to move on in a positive way. Sean and I have made a plan to fill out the divorce papers together sometime in the next couple weeks. I am looking forward to getting it done so that we can officially move on in our own ways.
I try to find things to be happy about. I work as much as I can and spend weekends with R, which bring me a great deal of calmness and contentment that I don't have during the week.

But despite all the bad, I am still grateful. I am grateful that things aren't as bad as they could be. I'm grateful for R, to have someone who is supportive and caring, who makes me laugh and keeps me grounded. I am grateful for my job and the wonderful people who work there with me, their kindness and understanding. I am grateful for my sister and her little girl and our phone conversations together while I walk to work or home. I am grateful for the coffee shop by my work for making my day better with their chocolate zucchini bread and coffee drinks while I'm on my break, and the fact that they know me and what I order now because I come in so often. I am grateful for my walks to and from work, even though they're two miles, or thirty minutes, long as they allow me to listen to new albums and music I otherwise wouldn't have time for. I am grateful that I've been so fortunate to be able to live in the city of Kansas City for the past two and a half years. There are so many things, big and small, I have to be thankful for, and I want to focus on those things the most.

I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of this part of my life anymore. Everyone has low points in their lives. Why not embrace them and be open about what you're going through?
I want to move on and grow from this moment in my life. And I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. So I'll keep in touch. No more hiding.

Wednesday Evening Update

These days, weeks, months, have been filled with so much uncertainty. So many ups and downs, and there have been times when I am sure I've finally figured everything out, that I'm finally beginning to get settled, then everything just falls apart again.

My days are spent trying to feel normal. I get up, make breakfast for myself and eat it alone at the table. I take a shower, get dressed, and go to work if I am working that day. If I'm working, I will shamelessly buy a salted caramel iced coffee drink and a chocolate zucchini bread on my break. I'll sit outside the coffee shop and listen to music for my fifteen minutes, just to have something to look forward to that day.
Then I come home, make dinner, talk to my rabbits, and do everything again in the morning. This has been the first time in my life I have ever had to forcibly convince myself of the things there are to be happy about. I've had days when something just sets me into a melancholy spiral, and I have to dig myself out or turn to a friend who can remind me of what I forget. That no, my life isn't over. All of this is temporary. Yes, everything is really terrible and sucks right now, but it won't be that way forever. And hey, don't worry so much, you're working on making things better. It's hard to remember that when it feels like there's just not enough money or energy for even the most basic things.
But I have a plan, I have a goal in mind. I don't want to talk about it yet because it's pretty big and I am still working things out, but I am happy about it.

I have some projects and to-dos to keep me busy. I have someone important in my life that has done so much and opened my eyes to so many things. I am learning tough lessons about life and myself, but all of it is necessary. I feel myself changing and growing in ways that I only imagined just a year ago. I feel myself growing stern and strong, confident and secure in myself, and it feels really good.
I want to tell anyone who reads this, who might be in a similar situation that I was or am in:
If you're in a place where you feel completely stuck or trapped, know that there is always, always a way out. It won't be the easy way, and yes, it will feel like a complete hell most days, but every day is better and better. And one day, you'll see how worth it the hard decision was. Our most defining moments in life are the most difficult. So do what you have to do for you.

This weekend will be spent reading some new books I got from the library (I intend to share at some point, so no worries!) and listing some handmade items onto my Etsy shop. If you're interested, check it out on Saturday! Here's the link: https://www.etsy.com/shop/shoplemonholiday
Otherwise, I'll be drinking hot drinks, cleaning the apartment, and working on new projects.
I hope everyone's week is going well and I promise to check in again very soon. Best wishes!

New Beginnings

“When you’re ready, I’m ready.” A bomb went off in my head. I looked at his face, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“I’m just not emotionally ready right now. It would be too traumatic.”
“Well, when you are.” And that was that.

This was the first time Sean expressed an independent interest in divorcing me. I had mentioned it before in passing, as a ‘maybe’ thing, but actually taking steps to make it happen was new territory. I was afraid of letting go of the vision I had of us, of him, and of our future.. But recent days and weeks carved the end into our hearts and we knew it was just a matter of time.

I wrote a post on here a little while back about striking out on my own without Sean, learning how to be independent and have a life I can call my own. All of this is still true, but I left out one major piece that even I had trouble recognizing or admitting: I wanted out of the relationship. And even more, I had wanted it for longer than I realized.
Every relationship’s end has two sides. Although I want to be honest, I think for the sake of productivity in whatever it is, if anything, Sean and I have left to work on together, I won’t outline who did what or who was wrong.
I made mistakes. He made mistakes. But in the end, we’ve realized more than anything, how incompatible we never knew we are. “I just wish we were different people.” I told him the night before he moved out. But we’re not. And that’s the problem.
Sean is very passionate, almost to a fault, about his interests and things he knows. He’s incredibly intelligent, a beautiful writer, and although he will swear up and down that he’s not that smart, anyone who talks to him will argue otherwise. Sean is a highly emotional person, but keeps those emotions in check with his unwavering rationality. And most of all, his loyalty as a friend and a partner is so strong, it’s been known to get him into trouble from time to time.
Sean is a beautiful person, and although he and I are very different, I thought it didn’t matter. I thought it made us strong. But I never realized that unfortunately, those differences were so at odds with what I needed from a partner, that they would ultimately be the thing that derailed our relationship and pulled us apart.

I said that I didn’t know if Sean and I have anything left to work on together because it’s true. Things change everyday. We want so much to be there for each other because there’s still love and we still care. But at the same time, we’re hurt. We’re devastated and angry. To be completely honest, I have no idea what is going to happen between us. I hope the damage that has been done isn’t too much that we can’t be friends, but I am also aware of how unlikely that will be if we don’t learn how to forgive and heal properly.

This is why I haven’t written much here. And if you’re a friend or relative, this is why I have withdrawn in a lot of ways. I haven’t known which way is up for the past three or four months, but to be honest, it's probably been a lot longer. I am extremely sad, embarrassed (we only got married nine months ago), angry, and just really hurt. We didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t think it would happen to me. But it did. And I am trying to handle it in the best way I can.

It’s so difficult getting myself to realize and accept this new life, that we won’t be celebrating our wedding anniversary every year. That we won’t move to Chicago together and see the world. That we won’t buy our first house, and that it won’t be our baby I hold in my arms. When you have that vision in your mind for so long, it’s heart-wrenching to force yourself to let it go so suddenly.

I never wanted to be divorced at almost 23. I never wanted to be divorced at all. But that’s just the way things go. Sometimes you can’t control every aspect of your life, even when you truly believe you’ve got a good grip or that you can work through it. Sometimes things just...fall apart.

I’ve been trying to occupy my time with work, finding a second job, getting things in order, new projects, and exercising. I found out the going to college next month is a no-go since my financial aid won’t cover everything, and to make it work would make my life a complete nightmare. And to be honest, I only wanted to go because I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
The apartment is in my name for now. I've said I'll keep it, but who even knows, these things change a million times everyday. I had to give Phoebe away, but I am planning on keeping the rabbits.
I’ve been trying to work on me and what I want in my life, thinking about new projects and ideas to pursue, plans for the future, etc.
Despite the heart-ache, I feel different. I feel...relieved. And I am finally on the path that I’ve always wanted to be on. I’m running a lot and getting in shape (I lost 20 pounds in three months), I am trying new foods, listening to new music, reading, and saying yes to new experiences. I feel as though these changes in my life are necessary in order to continue living properly. I need to feel like there is something positive out of this, and that I am beginning a new chapter. Otherwise, if I dwell too much on the opposite, it will consume me and ruin any chance I have doing what I need to do.

I have no idea what will happen, and I am okay with that. Everything is up in the air, so we'll see what comes together. To new beginnings.

That Time I Left the Neighborhood

This story has been on my mind recently, so I thought I would share it. It has no real significance or point, but it's just a funny thing from my childhood. I hope you enjoy hearing it, and I hope you don't mind my poor storytelling skills. I'm working on it.

Me circa 10 years old. Rebel, rebel. 

My sister Jayme (left) and I (right). This was probably just a few months before this story.

When I was ten years old, I was living in an American neighborhood in an Italian village called Vigonovo. The neighborhood, or "Group Housing", was made up of other American military families, and it only consisted of three streets. Everyone pretty much knew everyone, and it was news if a new family moved in. Drama abound, the housewives would gang up together and make drunken scenes on their front lawns, discipline their children in all sorts of questionable ways, and we could all see it. But I digress.

Among other things, everyone knew whose kids were brats. There were children we weren't allowed to play with because they had been nasty in the past; they opted to spend their afternoons breaking into the abandoned warehouse at the park, jumping the fences to steal fruit from the trees of the sweet Italian neighbors, and yelling obscenities towards each other across the streets.
There were only about five or six kids my age, all of which were terrible individuals. Of these, there were two, Sarah and Ashley (yes, I changed their names). Being ten years old, I wanted to play with other kids so badly that I was consistent in my willingness to look past their crappy selves in order to have that.

Well one day, Sarah, Ashley, and I were riding bikes and they decided we should leave the neighborhood. This was strictly not allowed by my parents. A ten year old, cruising the streets of a foreign country alone, (along with the recent post-9/11 "terrorism" and protests that frequented our area. Things like blocking off the street into our neighborhood, strange men attempting to coax my mother into their car, etc. You know, the uge.) this was just not a thing I was allowed to do.

"We're going to this horse farm. Ashley goes there for horseback riding lessons. It's just around the corner! Come on!" Sarah said.

"Guys, I can't. I just checked in, I need to be back in an hour." This was before cell phones were something everyone had, so we "checked in" with parents every hour or we'd call from a friend's house to let them know we were no longer outside. I didn't have a way to tell the time, so I'd rely on the bell tower near my house or the parents of a friend.

But Sarah was determined. "Just come on! We'll let you know when you need to be back. Plus, don't you want to see the horses? You can just walk up and pet them!" She got me. I did want to see the horses. I was ten years old, who wouldn't?

They started on their bikes and I stood watching them ride away as they gestured for me to follow.
I sighed, quickly weighed the pros and cons. Horses won. Yolo.

We rode down the cobbled streets outside our neighborhood. We past the irrigation canals, the fields of wheat that laid beneath the Dolomite mountains. It was the golden hour and everything was careless and perfect in those moments.

Finally, we arrived at the horse farm which, of course, was not "just around the corner". I had no idea where we were or how far from home, but I would guess today it must have been two miles away at least.
The horse farm was quaint. There was a small barn for the stables, a man rode his horse around a muddy track. Ashley told us the horses' names and about her horseback riding lessons, but the owner seemed annoyed that these little girls just waltzed onto his farm. Of course, I didn't notice it then.
I considered how far we were. The sun was going down, so I asked Sarah for the time.
"Oh, you're fine. We've got plenty of time. Let's go to the park!"

I attempted to argue. "I thought we were just going to the horse farm. I want to go home."

"Just stop! It'll be fine! Come on, they've got gelato!"

So again, we got on our bikes and rode them to a park nearby. Sarah and Ashley bought gelato and happily played on the teeter-totter. But I stood, watching them laugh and consume their ice cream, and quickly became annoyed.
"What time is it?" They didn't answer. I asked again, but more frustrated. "What time is it?"

"Kaleigh, I don't know! I'm sure it's fine!" Sarah answered carelessly.

"What do you mean you don't know? Ashley, don't you have a watch?"

"I do, but it doesn't work. Sorry." Ashley said. My heart sank. How long had I been gone? How far were we? Where were we? Surely I could just go back home with them and pretend we had never left. I turned back to the girls who were still teeter-tottering and laughing.
"Guys, we have to go."

"We don't want to. You can go." They answered. I immediately panicked, and yelled at them.
"I don't even know where we are! I don't even know how to get back! Get up, help me!" They didn't get up, but instead stared at me kind of sorrily. "Ugh! Fuck you guys!"
I climbed on my bike and raced as fast as I could in the direction I thought we came. A million thoughts filled my brain. I'm going to be in so much trouble. Oh my god, what if I can't get home? What if I'm lost? No, I think this is the right way. Maybe I wasn't gone as long as I thought. Maybe I can just head straight home and pretend I was there the whole time. Wait, I think I recognize this pharmacy. I'm going the right way! Everything will be fine. They won't even notice! Yeah, this will be just memory and no one will ever know! Hey, the entrance to our neighborhood! Yes! I did it! I'm almost home! I'm..."
And then I saw them. A group of parents, including my own, along with my siblings and a few other neighborhood kids. They had created a search party looking for us.
My eyes met my mother's and I immediately began to cry hysterically. I was in deep shit.
I stopped my bike in front of them and tried to muster up some kind of explanation to excuse my error, but nothing came out. I continued blubbering.
"Get your ass home." Mom said. So I did.

The night ended with my parents angrily explaining how much I scared them, that I had been gone for three or four hours, that I was grounded for the rest of the summer.

It's so funny that the story has stuck with me for so long. I remember hating those girls so much that whole summer for manipulating me and lying and getting me into trouble. They both ended up following behind me after I got back. It turns out that their parents, although not as strict as mine, were pretty pissed that they left as well.  I told my mom the full story later on, and I think she felt sorry for me because she knew how manipulative they were. But she also saw that I made the choice to leave, so I was still grounded. I never left the neighborhood alone again. Or associated with Sarah and Ashley. I'm pretty glad now that I told them to fuck off though.

What is Right

Big things are in the works around here, friends. Big, scary, exciting things.

Full disclosure as usual. The past two to three years have been really rough for me. I won't pinpoint every reason why, as there are quite a few, but I can outline some and I will in a sec. But let me back up to August of 2011.

That was the month that moved to Maryville, Missouri for college at Northwest Missouri State University. I had decided on this location for very simple reasons: the campus was pretty, it was somewhere I'd never been, and it was inexpensive compared to other universities. Plus, it just seemed like a nice place and I could genuinely see myself going to school there.

My mom, sister, and I arrived at my dorm building around noon. I brought too many things and it was annoying to try and move everything to my room on the fifth floor. Afterwards, my mom and sister cried and left me standing at the front of the building. I thought I would have been emotional, but I surprised myself. I was determined and rejuvenated. A new life of independence had arrived in those moments. I spent the weekend with my friends, going to parties and social functions, playing games with strangers, and attending back-to-school BBQs.

But the independence didn't last, because little did I know that four days later, I would meet the love of my life and my future husband Sean.

When Sean and I began dating that November, I didn't know that it was over for my independence, and that the self-discovery time I had waited for was gone. I happily threw out my plans, dreams, and hopes for new ones that involved Sean and after two years at Northwest, we realized we had outgrown it, so we moved on to live in the city.

I spent the last few months at Northwest completely depressed and lost. I was having an existential crisis, but still grieving over this belief I had that Northwest could offer me nothing I hadn't already been given. We arrived to our new apartment in the summer of 2013 and it was perfect for a good while. The time we've spent in Kansas City since has been amazing, challenging, tough, educational, and more. Not to mention, I feel like we've grown and changed so much in the last two years, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But there is something missing in me. I am beginning to arrive at this point in my life where I need to know where I am coming from and who I am. At least generally. And while I could tell you I am a crafter, that I love to travel, and bake, and I love my rabbits and my puppy; I couldn't tell you much more. I've been yearning since I was child to go out into the world on my own and prove to myself that I can do it. That I can live and be successful with only myself to rely on. But since I've been with Sean, I haven't had the opportunity to experience those things, and unfortunately, many people have come to think of me as not only too dependent on Sean, but a near leech when it comes to my abilities to survive without him. And the sad part is, I think for the most part, they're right. I am too dependent on Sean. Emotionally, financially, etc. This is a heartbreaking conclusion to come to because that's not me at all. That was never who I wanted to be, and it's definitely not who I am on the inside.

My mind has been restless these past two years. The itching began as this thing I could push down or wave away, but over time it has grown into something entirely different that I can no longer ignore. 

I love Sean, but I cannot continue to allow myself be his shadow. I want to stand on my own feet and I want it to be clear that I can to everyone and especially to myself. Among other things, we talked a lot about what to do. I've spent a good amount of the past year or so expecting something to come up, for some kind of answer to just fall from the sky, but it never did.

So finally, we made the decision to create an opportunity: I have applied and been accepted to go back to Northwest...without Sean.

To put this into perspective, Maryville is about 100 miles north of Kansas City. I will be on my own, living in a dorm with a roommate, meal plan, and all. I will essentially be starting from scratch. And this is both terrifying and incredibly exciting at the same time.

I know I wrote a post about a month ago about my considering quitting school, and I ended up deciding that I would. But I have honestly felt that going away to school on my own is the best, easiest, most cost-efficient thing I could do right now. It's not that I don't want my degree. I think I just felt like the things I was after in my life wasn't going to allow for it to happen. But at this point, I think those wants have to fall away for the needs. For a long time, I've talked about, "This is what I want to do with my life." The place I'm at now is deeper and more important. It's, "This is who I want to be in my life." And I think in order for those things to develop and grow, you sometimes have to put yourself in a really challenging position.

I am really nervous to go back to Northwest alone, because I know me. I tend to shut down when I feel like my source of strength isn't available. For a long time, especially in high school, that source of strength was me. But then Sean came along and it somehow became him and our relationship. I don't want that to be me. I want to be independent, and self-sufficient, and confident. And it will be so, so hard to keep from being miserable without him and focused on myself, but it must be done in order to be the best I can be for me and for us.Sean has been incredibly supportive and encouraging throughout all of this, and I have no doubts that he won't continue. We love and care about each other and our happiness, and I know how tough it will be to navigate the long-distance thing, as well as potentially negative comments from others, but we don't care. Sometimes you have to do something really tough in order to achieve something great. 

So this is my big adventure beginning this August. I have the summer to get things together and set up for the year, and then I will be off on my own.

My plan is to pick up with this blog more when I go in order to allow readers to follow my experience and to hopefully give insight and thoughts about the college and dorm life. 

Positivity is key at this point. I know this is the right path for me right now, and I think that's all that matters.

All I can do is stand my ground, believe in myself, and do what I need. Cheers to change. 

"Do what is right, not what is easy."

Moves//Crafts//Phoebe!

Oh. My. Goodness. It seems like one million and one things have happened since I last checked in with you guys, and yet, it doesn't feel like that long ago. Time has flown by!
We made it into our new apartment pretty easily, but we still have our old place to clean up before we can say goodbye for good. The move took just a day and although we live on the third/top floor of our building, we managed to get everything in one piece. As far as our new place goes, it's been quite the change, but let me tell ya, we really, really love it here! The building was constructed in 1920 and you can tell. We have so many windows and natural light, which I've been taking advantage of to grow some herbs and lavender. Not to mention the location is amazing as it's just a 5-15 minute walk to all of our favorite places in Kansas City.
I've been spending a lot of time lately trying to get things unpacked, but it's really just come down to lack of shelving and storage at this point, so we're looking forward to our IKEA trip this Friday. So I do apologize for not sharing more of the new place quite yet. I want to make sure everything is put away, organized, and decorated before I show it off. You know...perfectionist stuff. ;)

I have had somewhat of a break from the moving thing, however. I spent all last week preparing for my very first pop-shop/craft booth for my friend Nicole Leth's fashion event. If you don't know Nicole or her brand Sex & Ice Cream, please please PLEASE check it out. You won't be sorry! (I plan on talking more about Nicole in a future post, so stay tuned!)
The event was on Friday and I will be honest, I was so intimidated by all of the art school kids and their cool booths. I was also extremely thankful to have Sean with me because had I been alone, I most likely would've left out of nervousness and embarrassment. We'd look at my stuff and then at each other and just unanimously feel so much dread because we were sure everyone (cool kids) would look at my pieces and be like, "Wow, really? I could do that. What a joke."
But to my genuine amazement, it wasn't like that at all. People were really into it and were completely shocked by my low prices. They asked for my business card and wanted to know where they could get more. It was an incredible feeling to have people look at my stuff and tell me they thought I was selling myself short with my low prices or that they wanted more information.
After the event, Sean and I walked to the car feeling so pumped up and enthusiastic about the future. Now we know I can do it, and people actually give a shit! We chattered excitedly about the possibility of doing more craft shows and events, more pop-up shops, and most importantly, the idea of opening my Etsy shop back up. I had been thinking a lot about opening it up before, but after the event, we knew there was no question.
So that's a huge deal, right? I'm so, so excited to get it up and running, and completely revamped. My hope is to have it open by the beginning of the summer, so look for that! I'll definitely keep everything updated here.

The last thing I wanted to share today is something I am just completely crazy, ecstatic about! Sean and I have a new member in our family!! We finally got a puppy!!!!! I know! I'm excited too! Her name is Phoebe and she's a Corgi/Australian Cattle Dog (aka Red Heeler) mix. She's very friendly, very sweet, and smart. She is literally everything a good dog could possibly be. It's kind of a story though. Sean and I have been talking about getting a dog for the past two years, and we knew it was something we wanted a long time before that. But our last landlord made it nearly impossible to have a dog ($400 non-refundable pet deposit + $100 per month added to the rent...which was already quite a bit for just a one bedroom). So we opted to wait, and now that we've moved, it became an option. So one thing you should know about me is that my favorite dog breed is a Corgi. I grew up with a Corgi/Collie mix and I've always known since then that I would one day have one. So I contacted a local Corgi breeder, I was placed on a waiting list and decided to wait and save up the $1000 so I could finally have my Corgi. But then this happened:

“I actually went to the shelter to get another dog, but he’d already been adopted. So I decided to do a lap around the...
Posted by Humans of New York on Saturday, April 18, 2015

I confronted Sean at dinner. "I want you to hear me out. I know we said we'd save up for the Corgi puppy, but I saw this thing on Humans of New York..." and I explained how shitty I felt about paying that much money for a puppy that will inevitably have an amazing home anywhere, versus adopting one out of the millions of dogs that nobody wants or has time for. Not to mention, we wouldn't be throwing $1000 away for just one dog. He agreed that it was something we should look into, so I headed to Craigslist and looked for potential dog friends.
Pages and pages later, I stumbled upon a post that explained the need to get rid of a Corgi/Red Heeler mix as soon as possible. I immediately texted the owner and she told me that the dog was rescued from an abusive neighbor who left her outside through the winter, and she was rarely fed or given water. "She's eight months old, and she gets really protective of her food, so her and my cat get into it a lot. But other than that, she's a great dog. We just can't keep her." I expected the over-protection of her food had to do with not being fed often from her original owner, but it wouldn't be an issue here. The rabbits don't care about her food. Sean and I talked about it and decided to meet the owners at their house to buy the dog. And oh. My. Gosh. This. Dog. She's absolutely perfect in every way!!!! She's super responsive and so intelligent, and sweet and amazing. We have had zero problems with her (other than she's going through her first heat right now which she can't help, poor thing. We plan to get her fixed as soon as it's over.). She's just a really, really great dog. And not to mention, she's very sweet with the rabbits. She gets curious and has tried to play a couple times, but Penny doesn't leave the cage and Milo doesn't care one bit. He just hates it when she chases him, but he'll go up to her and sniff and investigate. I mean, really, guys. We have a rabbit/puppy utopia up in here, and it's amazing! 

Well, that's all for now! There's so much more I want to tell you, but I will share in good time. ;)
I hope you all are well, and happy, and healthy, and just wonderful. But of course you are, you're always wonderful!
Best wishes and love! <3

Milo on moving day. He's quite the helper.

Some stuff from the craft booth on Friday.

OMG GUYS. Nicole had hundreds of donuts and 200 McDonald's burgers!!!

I mean what kind of amazing person does this?! Nicole Leth, that's who! 

Everyone chillin' before the catwalk.

Phoebe babyyyyy!!!!

Guess what?!

Milo is already tired just thinking about all we have left to do!
(I promise he's not dead, despite the fact that he looks dead. I've definitely fallen for that one quite a few times...)

Hey, guys! This is a short one because I'm a busy bee today, but I wanted to share with you all our big transition that's happening right now! Today is a big day because we are moving! I know, right? I'm usually not one to withhold information, but I think I really just forgot to mention it.
We'll be about nine blocks north of where we are now, so it's not a big move, but we're all still very excited!

Our new place is a bigger, cheaper apartment in the art neighborhood. This will be really convenient for my brother Joe since he's an artist/Kansas City Art Institute hopeful, and really great for Sean and I too because the walkability is amazing and a lot of our favorite places are nearby. I can't wait to show you all the neighborhood and our new home! I promise I'll have pictures soon!

'Til then, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the weather wherever you are!

6 Awesome Tips (& Motivation) for Beginning Bloggers!

I attended this year's Go Blog Social Conference here in Kansas City this past Friday and Saturday, and lemme tell ya...what a motivator! I will admit that I was super awkward about approaching people and introducing myself, which is something I know I have to work on. But! I still somehow ended up making some great connections with some fellow bloggers and business owners, which is all really exciting! And not to mention, we had some really amazing speakers at the conference this year, and I learned so much from them!
So hey, maybe you weren't there and you'd like to hear some of my favorite, most inspirational things I learned. Well, good news! I've got ya covered!

Here are 6 things I learned from the Go Blog Social Conference 2015 OR 6 Awesome Tips for Blogging Beginners (because I'm kind of a beginner too! So, let's learn together!):

1. Tell your story, be real, be raw, be honest,  be vulnerable, be authentic, be transparent. 

If there was an overall theme of this conference, it was definitely "authenticity". These guys could not stress it enough. Be aware of your voice, values, and purpose. Be thinking about what separates you from everyone else. Your blog should be a reflection of you and not of others, because what works for someone else, may not work for you. Find what works for you (or doesn't) and own it. 

Take it a step further and be open with your readers about your weaknesses and failures. These things make you human and will allow people in similar situations or with similar feelings to relate to you, which will build much stronger relationships and readership than just trying to do what you think is popular and what you think people want to read.

 "By being yourself, you put something wonderful into the world that wasn't there before." -Mandy Beyeler, Sugar Bee Crafts 

2. "Foster community over competition." - Kelly & Andra, With Grace & Gold

Don't compare yourself to other bloggers or judge what they're doing. If you think they need help and you can offer it, then give them a hand up! Supporting and sharing with other bloggers is a big part of blogging, and developing the strong connections with others will help in the long run. Or even just when your family asks you over and over, "Wait, what's blogging again?" Having that group of friends to support and relate to is going to help a lot.

3. Be engaging.

Comment, comment, comment! Social media and blogging isn't just about putting your stuff out there. While that's a big part of it, what is even more important is engaging with your readers, followers, and people you love and support as well. This means being genuine in your responses to others and leaving thoughtful comments. If you are genuine in how you interact with others on your blog and social media, people will know and they'll at worst, really appreciate the support, and at best, want to know more about you!

4. Figure you out before reaching out to brands and companies.

When it comes time to try and make that connection, make sure you know where you're coming from first! Because if you don't know, then how are they supposed to be confident that you're the right, most passionate person for the job?

5. Get out of your comfort zone.

This is one that I've been working through a lot lately, and I think it can be applied to many aspects of life. Whether it's meeting new people, traveling to new places, or taking on more challenging opportunities, tackling that big, scary thing in your life can be summed up with this mindset.

Here are some great quotes from the conference speakers that fall into this category:

"If something isn't uncomfortable, then you're not growing." 

"Often times our fears hold us back from doing what we were built to do." -Alissa Circle, Diary of an Addict

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." 

"When you get outside your comfort zone, you're not asking 'what if' anymore, because you're doing it." -Mandy Beyeler, Sugar Bee Crafts 

6. "Take fear by the balls, and make your dreams happen." -Alissa Circle, Diary of an Addict

Guys, sometimes you just have to get out there and do it. Because whether you take action or not, life is still passing by. No one is going to wait for you to make up your mind. So, if not now, when?

What are some of your favorite blogging tips? What's a big struggle for you when it comes to blogging?

Chicago

Sean and I just got back from our trip to Chicago on Sunday, and I am actually at a blogging conference today, so what better time talk about the trip? Our friend Grant (who we stayed with) doesn't have internet so I wrote this after the first day to save for later. I don't have anything else written from the other days, but I do plan on recapping them a little in a future post. 

This post was written on Thursday, March 26, 2015.

We arrived at Grant’s apartment in Lemont at 8 PM last night. We ordered pizza and met his two 

girl-friends who neither Sean or I could drink enough to drown out. In polite terms, we didn't care for them. They left late and we felt exhausted from traveling, friends of friends, and the daunting task of navigating the big city, that laid before us in the morning.

I just want to give a little background about Sean and I. We aren't sheltered human beings. We've traveled abroad (heck, I grew up abroad), seen bits of the country and the world, been in tough and sticky situations, etc. It’s not like we've lived a bubble our entire lives. That being said, this Chicago visit is the second time I've ever been and otherwise, I have never experienced such a large city before. I've never been to New York or Los Angeles. The biggest cities I've experienced, yet still don’t compare, are Kansas City; Philadelphia; Washington D.C.; and Venice, Italy. So let us continue.

We slept in late this morning and caught the 12:45 train from Tinley Park at 80th Avenue and took it into LaSalle station. The Tinley Park station is very quaint, and even though it’s tucked within the confines of white, upper middle-class suburbia, I imagined myself living nearby and heading out on a trip to see a friend or grandparent far away.

Tinley Park (80th Ave.) train station.

We boarded the train at 12:45 and off we went. I grabbed a window seat and Sean sat beside me. Suburbia soon transformed into woodland, and then the ruins of old factory towns seemed to stream by out of nowhere. I scanned the homes and abandoned buildings in my mind. I was flooded by horrible ancient memories that never were. The wreckage of a golden era littered the landscape from my cabin. Vacant fields, and drive-in movie lots, boarded windows, and once-glorious Victorians left to rot in rows with their friends. Car parts and pieces, and slabs of broken concrete scattered like bombs and shrapnel in the backyards of 1950s nuclear family homes. My heart ached and I felt motion sick from the train and the focus of my horror. Does anyone here even think twice about these things? Or is it just the scenery? I thought. How does this kind of poverty still even exist in America? I mean, granted, I know that there is worse both here and in other countries, but in one of the biggest and supposedly greatest cities in the world? How does a human being even live and breathe in this environment? Let’s push aside the emotional aspect, and just consider the practical aspect. How is it even possible to live in a home that is falling to pieces around you? Or a home that is being swallowed by the earth itself?

I was ready to get off the train. I wasn't disgusted, just sad.

We entered the city and the bubble of Chicago life welcomed us indifferently. If you've never been to Chicago, you absolutely should. My overall impression of the city is this: Chicago is proud. It’s big and intimidating and it knows it’s the shining jewel of the Midwest, but it doesn't flaunt, because it doesn't have to. Chicago is old and grown and can handle itself, if need be, but isn't considerably forceful. It’s nurturing, but not overbearing. Chicago is the mother that loves her children, but isn't afraid to let them wander a little. She just wants to test them. Chicago is firm and confident and is willing to let others shine, because it knows it’s awesome and it doesn't need to prove it.

Sean and I left the LaSalle train station and wandered into the street, then followed my phone’s map to the art museum. It’s smaller than KC’s as far as grandeur and monumental status. But, Chicago doesn't need to flaunt, remember? What the museum lacks in an impressive exterior, it makes up, obviously, in it’s seemingly infinite collections of art and definitely impressive pieces. It made’s the Nelson-Atkins back at home seem like a joke. (Not that I think the Nelson-Atkins is a joke. I could spend hours in that place, it's so beautiful.) There is so much to see in this museum. It’s incredible. There is absolutely no way you could give it and all it’s contents the attention it deserves in a short time.

After the art museum, I wasn't feeling well (side effects of not having eaten a real meal in two days. Apparently Trader Joe’s ‘Sweet & Spicy Beef Jerky’ and chocolate-covered espresso beans is not a real meal.), so we opted to get some coffee at Starbucks across the street. Sean and I chit-chatted and sipped our coffees, people-watched, and I discussed the probable architectural history of the building across the street. After a lull in the conversation, I finally asked Sean, “Would you live here?” Immediately, he nodded, “Yeah. I would.” Later at dinner, we would talk more on the subject and find ourselves agreeing that we sort of really want Chicago to be in our near future.

I told Sean that I feel like staying in KC would be comfortable, but we would stop growing in the ways we want to, and I know this because I think we already have. I told him that I think it’s possible we've pretty much gotten everything we could have out of Kansas City in these past two years, and I think we need to move on to continue growing in the right ways. He completely agreed, and while it won’t happen for a year and we do still have a lot more to talk about, I think this is a transition that we’re really leaning towards.

I've felt a lot of pressure to be doing something “important” and “impressive” in these early years, but it’s only been recently that we've realized we just want to spend this time getting to know ourselves and working towards becoming better, more well-rounded and knowledgeable people. Sean is finally in a position with his job where he can provide a lot of stability and happiness for both of us, and I think it would be even more lucrative to take advantage of that stability in a new and different place.
It won’t be easy. In fact, I’m scared to death, but I think, sometimes, scary is good.

College

A little while back, I decided to create a second blog that focused on my personal life more than 'lemonholiday' does. (Early blogging experiments). But what I have recently discovered is that by taking myself out of this blog, I have nothing left to talk about or mention, for fear that I will break the confines I created for myself. I believe in honesty and I believe in trying new things, especially when it comes to blogging. I also believe that it is important to admit and be open when something doesn't work out (a failure if you will). That being said, I've decided to delete the other blog and stick with 'lemonholiday' as my main focus. I don't want to separate myself for the sake of continuity as I believe that through time, it will all sort itself out. So, this post was one that I wrote for my other blog, that I would now like to post here instead. I think this post is a little more personal than I've been lately and I am happy with that because it is the direction I am wanting to go from now on.
I hope you all enjoy and please, feel free to share any issues you've had managing and organizing your blog. 

My mom and I on my first day of Kindergarten.
(ie. the beginning of the end. Just kidding. Kind of...

POSTED: Sunday, March 8, 2015
I began today with a very detailed plan to head to the school library and get caught up on homework, but by 12 PM, I once again found myself working through various excuses not to go. My husband's and my conversation last night was still ringing in my ears and the familiar anxiety and dread was closing in again.

Because for about the seventh time in the past three months, I am considering dropping out of college.

Sean and I laid in bed last night, discussing the present and our future when the topic of school came up. I've been struggling with college a lot these past two years. It's not that the material is hard. I think it's a mixture of being burnt out and just wanting to move on and do something different for a while. To make matters worse, I found out a few months back that I won't be graduating for another year and a half to two years. I think that realization really pushed me over the edge and so here I am again, contemplating leaving school.Sean reasoned,"If you think getting a degree will further your career, then continue. Otherwise, what is it for?" I told him it would be nice to have college to fall back on, but he pointed out that it's not like there is a window of time I need to have my degree by. "If you find later on that you need or want it, then you can just go back. But right now, your work needs you." He was right, and not only that but I need my work, and school stands in the way of a lot of that progress.

Me, my mom, and my sister on move-in day
at Northwest Missouri State, August 2011. 

The "work" Sean was referring to was blogging and my business. My business is on hiatus right now simply because I don't have the time or funds to make it work. While blogging is not at all where it needs to be at this point, especially if I am hoping to make it a full-time thing someday. School takes a lot of that time and energy that could be used to further my career. But there is a lot of pressure to continue.

Sean and I both come from very authoritative families. They're the kind that believes in "tough love" to get through to someone. Maybe it works for some, but not for us. The only thing tough love does is make us feel bad about ourselves, but certainly not enough to change our minds. At least, not anymore. I think for a long time, I felt kind of bullied into doing the "right thing" and going the "right path". I did successfully leave school for two semesters last year, but I made the mistake of returning because I felt like some in our families were pushing and pushing for me to get back in school. So I did, and I don't know if I regret it, but I have definitely spent this entire time wishing I was doing something different.

Since I began, college has been incredibly disappointing. I've never encountered something that makes me hate learning so much. The whole structure of academia is based on a kind of intelligence that is simply not practical. I've met too many truly amazing, intelligent people who feel like they have no place in school or in the world, because our education system doesn't cater to all great minds. It just caters to those who can memorize and take tests really well. And this is the entire basis for my disenchantment with college.

Don't get me wrong, though. I do believe college has great use for aspiring lawyers, and doctors, and scientists. But for people like me, I just can't face it. At least, not right now. As much as I love to learn and I love being better, I don't know if college is something I have the capacity to pursue right now.

I know some of you may be shaking your heads and saying, "You're making a mistake!" or something else along those lines, but I do wish everyone would remember that there is not a manual for this thing. There is no set plan or guidelines for the schedule of life. And I would much rather be honest with myself about how I feel about things now, than fool myself again and again in order to please others or get them off my back.

My biggest struggle right now is learning how to feel confident in my decisions as a grown, married, individual. I know me better than anyone else and I have to do what is right for me, and for my husband, of course.

That being said, it may seem like I've made my decision, but I honestly don't know. I think it really comes down to asking myself, do I think I can handle the repercussions of leaving school right now? Is getting my degree right this instant something I must have? What would I be sacrificing by staying in school?

There are so many things that must be worked through in order to make my decision. But obviously when I do, I will make it known.

Have you ever struggled with something like this? Do you always feel confident in your decisions? How have you dealt with negativity and naysayers in the past?

What is Failure?

This was a photo Joe took in Portland. He said I could use it!

Things are changing around here, and I mean fast. In just a week, what Sean and I thought was our solid plan for these next few months, quickly flipped upside down when my brother Joe came home unexpectedly due to some difficulties he'd been having in Portland.

As I mentioned a while back, he moved to there to begin a new chapter in his life, but found that things just weren't working out, and among other reasons, he was homesick. Sean and I were quickly met with a decision: Should we carry on with our plans? Or, help Joe? He couldn't return to our mom's as she doesn't have room for him, so it looked like there was nowhere else for him to go. We talked a lot about it and being the motherly big sister I am, it didn't take long for me to decide that it was something we had to do, and Sean loves Joe like a brother, so he was really more than happy to have him.

We picked Joe up from the airport last night and now he's living with us until we all move into our bigger apartment next month. Sean and I are honestly really happy with this plan because it means we get to stay in the city, plus having another person sharing the expenses allows for us to actually live below our means. And of course, I get to see my brother everyday. 

Still, between Joe's situation with Portland and Sean and I changing our plan completely, it got me thinking about...well, failure. Weird, I know but hang with me. 

Sean and I both have known our share of criticism, between people who love us and just want us to be the best we can be, to others who are just plain negative. No matter the reason, I think sometimes it's easy to think about your story and wonder, "Is this failure?" 

I want to look at my brother's situation as an example. Joe had every intention to go to Portland and meet his goals. He'd find a job, save enough money, and then get his own place. But none of those goals were met, and then he found himself coming back home. In the letter I wrote him in on this blog, I said, "I am so excited for this new chapter in your life and remember that no matter what happens, it's all part of the story." While it may be part of his story, some people might see it as failure. It's bad enough he didn't achieve what he had set out do, but then he had to come back home and live with his sister. Did Joe fail?

What is failure? What does it look like? Google defines 'failure' as being "the lack of success." Well, what does that mean?? It defines 'success' as being "the accomplishment of aim or purpose." So failure is the lack of accomplishment of aim or purpose. But purposes change and can change in an instant. Life isn't straight and narrow, it's an entire universe of possibility and meaning. Everything is fluid and versatile, so it seems silly to identify one person or thing as being either just a success or just a failure. 

I think it can be so easy to think of yourself as a failure when you're young. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that the worst things in life can just be part of the story. Sean and I both have the tendency to feel this way about our lives. But at some point, we have to step back and look at the situation for what it is in comparison to everything else. 

We're about to begin a new part to this chapter in our lives and while it can be a little terrifying at times, it's also really refreshing and exciting to begin something new. "It's an adventure," Sean said when I expressed my fear of moving on. 

Adventure, change, growth, are all just part of the story. Without conflict or change, what is the story anyway? Personally, I think that the only real failure is a story that concludes before the end. As long as you don't give up and you continue to strive towards what you want, even if what you want changes a thousand times, as long as that movement is still happening, then failure is non-existent. 

Do you feel like you've failed in your life? How do you deal with change and growth?

Lost Negatives

About a month or so ago, I was digging through some old photos when I found an abundance of film strips. You know the ones they used to give you when you got your photos printed? I looked at the negatives through the light and tried to recognize what I could from them. Some I had never seen before. Some I forgot ever existed. I decided to take them to a photo store to have them reprinted since I know they hadn't been touched for years (some of them over 20 years...there were photos of my birth in there! Yikes!) and I didn't want them just sitting in a box forever. 

Looking through those pictures after picking them up really gave me a mix of emotions. It was so exciting to remember some of the things I'd forgotten through time, but in that way I was really sad too. In those moments, I was back in Italy, and my brother and sister were little again, and we still had my favorite dogs. Everything about that time was rosy and perfect, which is one reason I hesitate to ever return to where I grew up. I don't want to ruin my memories of that time, because it was the happiest times of my life.

Here are some of my favorite prints.

Me, Jayme, and Joe, Easter 2000 (maybe?). Our mom liked to match us...

Joe and I. Yes, I was an ultra nerd. But I'm happy to say that my gap-toothed smile is no longer (as) gap-toothed.

My beautiful sister. She was adorable and girly, but had a horrible temper. If you pushed her to her breaking point, she'd leave the room, and then come back a completely different and terrifying child. I love her.

My original best friends. Love these babes.

Jayme and her blue cake teeth.

Don't know what the deal was with all these weird smiles.

View from the front of our house.

View from the back of the house. I miss those mountains so much.

Joe playing a game of some sort right after moving in.

I was a little bummed that some of these photos were so scratched, but it must have been the negatives. This was our kitchen.

First snow in our new house in Italy.

Misty and Lucy getting a taste of the snow.