Sunday Updates

I can't believe I've been living with R for five weeks now. We were talking about it the other night and he said it seems like I've been here for much longer. I agree with that when it comes to my comfort level and being used to everything. The first couple weeks were a little unsure as we dealt with the obvious repercussions of living with someone before your relationship is quite ready. Not that we aren't good or happy living together. But there is a certain level of intimacy that comes with cohabiting that generally exists in increments beforehand. After a month however, I do feel like that level has naturally been reached just by virtue of the situation itself.

Here are some other life updates:

• I began a new job as a barista nearby. The hours are early and somewhat long compared to what I am used to, but for the most part I am glad to be working so close to home. I am still working my other job in the city but since R is moving from night shifts to days, I will only be able to work there on Saturdays. My hope is to get a car and begin working there more when I can.
  
• It's been difficult dealing with Milo's death. I spent a good week after being haunted by the vision of his body when I tried to sleep at night. I'd have to turn on a podcast to distract me in order to fall asleep. Penny seems to be doing really well. I think she's happy to not be bullied anymore. But we still really miss him.
  
• The days are filled with work, Royals games, painting, and projects. I've been following the Royals games this season and I've gotten pretty into it and attached to the players (Hosmer!). I've been working on my painting and practicing with that. I should start looking up different techniques, and I'd like to try oil painting sometime soon as well.
  
• I've been trying to learn how to continue positive thinking, I am teaching myself how to accept and be part of right now instead of spending all my time thinking about what I wish would happen. I spend so much time thinking and worrying about the future, I think I have the tendency to miss out on right now. I am trying to change that and not worry so much.

• And lastly, R is on a week-long vacation from work this week so naturally, he's planned a little trip for us. I honestly don't know a whole lot about it other than that we're going to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, Silver Dollar City, and Cape Girardeau. Although I couldn't tell you what's in the latter, R informs me the five to six hour drive will be worth it and I'm going to love the reason we're going.
  I don't think I really even know when we're leaving...today? Or tomorrow? I don't know. We'll see what happens.
  If you haven't gathered, R likes to surprise me a lot. Whether it's mysterious trips, or fine papers from work (he works in a warehouse that ships paper), or donuts in the morning. R is so good to me and I love everything he does. <3

So there you have it for now. I am excited for this trip and I'll definitely share what I can here. I hope all is well with you and you're enjoying the season! I am definitely looking forward to the drive through the Ozarks and seeing all the beautiful colors and fall leaves. More soon and best wishes! 

Dark Purple Nails & All the Dreams & Plans

This week has been successful so far and with just two days left, I think I feel good about it overall. R and I moved some of my stuff to his house over the weekend, but there's still quite a bit left at the apartment. My goal for the weekend is to get as much as I can done over there and hopefully by the end of next week, I can be finished with it.

My overall attitude has been a positive one. I am happy to see R everyday, even if it's just for an hour or two before he heads to work. Although, this will be changing very soon since he received a promotion of sorts at work and gets to have normal day hours instead of working at night. Because of this, however, I am struggling to figure out the transportation question for work. My job is now thirty minutes away and without a car, I will have no way to get there. I've applied for some office/secretary positions at R's work, which I feel would be the ultimate break that I've been looking for. It would be 40+ hours a week, pay really well, and I'd pretty much have my own car in about a month. So we'll see what happens, if anything. It's entirely possible (and likely) that I'll just end up working two retail jobs out here until I can get back on my feet.

There's a lot that's been floating around in my head lately. The drives to work are long enough for me to think about things. I've determined that I need to put my dreaming on hold for now since it isn't conducive to my place in life at the moment. I had thought very seriously about putting all my money into moving to Chicago. It's been my dream to live there since I visited for the first time a few years ago. But it's just not a practical option. So I've shifted my focus and I am now completely dedicated to becoming the most independent person I can be. I am already pretty much there as far as my confidence and my ability to take care of myself and be on my own. The tough part now is working towards being financially independent. I want to have a good enough job to buy my own car, pay for my own place, and live comfortably without worrying or having to rely on family and friends. I've never been able to do that and I feel like as an almost 23-year-old, now is about the time. After I have reached that goal, I will be able to focus more on what I like and what I want to do.

Until then, I am trying to remember what an exciting and transitional time this is for me. My mom always tries to remind me that I don't have children or major responsibilities like that, so this should be an exciting time of possibilities. She's right and I try to keep that in mind. I am still only 22. It's almost 9 PM and I can stay up however late I want, color in my brand new Fantastic Cities coloring book, journal, drink Arizona strawberry lemonade, and paint my nails dark purple, which are all the things I am going to do.

Wednesday Evening Update

These days, weeks, months, have been filled with so much uncertainty. So many ups and downs, and there have been times when I am sure I've finally figured everything out, that I'm finally beginning to get settled, then everything just falls apart again.

My days are spent trying to feel normal. I get up, make breakfast for myself and eat it alone at the table. I take a shower, get dressed, and go to work if I am working that day. If I'm working, I will shamelessly buy a salted caramel iced coffee drink and a chocolate zucchini bread on my break. I'll sit outside the coffee shop and listen to music for my fifteen minutes, just to have something to look forward to that day.
Then I come home, make dinner, talk to my rabbits, and do everything again in the morning. This has been the first time in my life I have ever had to forcibly convince myself of the things there are to be happy about. I've had days when something just sets me into a melancholy spiral, and I have to dig myself out or turn to a friend who can remind me of what I forget. That no, my life isn't over. All of this is temporary. Yes, everything is really terrible and sucks right now, but it won't be that way forever. And hey, don't worry so much, you're working on making things better. It's hard to remember that when it feels like there's just not enough money or energy for even the most basic things.
But I have a plan, I have a goal in mind. I don't want to talk about it yet because it's pretty big and I am still working things out, but I am happy about it.

I have some projects and to-dos to keep me busy. I have someone important in my life that has done so much and opened my eyes to so many things. I am learning tough lessons about life and myself, but all of it is necessary. I feel myself changing and growing in ways that I only imagined just a year ago. I feel myself growing stern and strong, confident and secure in myself, and it feels really good.
I want to tell anyone who reads this, who might be in a similar situation that I was or am in:
If you're in a place where you feel completely stuck or trapped, know that there is always, always a way out. It won't be the easy way, and yes, it will feel like a complete hell most days, but every day is better and better. And one day, you'll see how worth it the hard decision was. Our most defining moments in life are the most difficult. So do what you have to do for you.

This weekend will be spent reading some new books I got from the library (I intend to share at some point, so no worries!) and listing some handmade items onto my Etsy shop. If you're interested, check it out on Saturday! Here's the link: https://www.etsy.com/shop/shoplemonholiday
Otherwise, I'll be drinking hot drinks, cleaning the apartment, and working on new projects.
I hope everyone's week is going well and I promise to check in again very soon. Best wishes!