Sunday Updates

I can't believe I've been living with R for five weeks now. We were talking about it the other night and he said it seems like I've been here for much longer. I agree with that when it comes to my comfort level and being used to everything. The first couple weeks were a little unsure as we dealt with the obvious repercussions of living with someone before your relationship is quite ready. Not that we aren't good or happy living together. But there is a certain level of intimacy that comes with cohabiting that generally exists in increments beforehand. After a month however, I do feel like that level has naturally been reached just by virtue of the situation itself.

Here are some other life updates:

• I began a new job as a barista nearby. The hours are early and somewhat long compared to what I am used to, but for the most part I am glad to be working so close to home. I am still working my other job in the city but since R is moving from night shifts to days, I will only be able to work there on Saturdays. My hope is to get a car and begin working there more when I can.
  
• It's been difficult dealing with Milo's death. I spent a good week after being haunted by the vision of his body when I tried to sleep at night. I'd have to turn on a podcast to distract me in order to fall asleep. Penny seems to be doing really well. I think she's happy to not be bullied anymore. But we still really miss him.
  
• The days are filled with work, Royals games, painting, and projects. I've been following the Royals games this season and I've gotten pretty into it and attached to the players (Hosmer!). I've been working on my painting and practicing with that. I should start looking up different techniques, and I'd like to try oil painting sometime soon as well.
  
• I've been trying to learn how to continue positive thinking, I am teaching myself how to accept and be part of right now instead of spending all my time thinking about what I wish would happen. I spend so much time thinking and worrying about the future, I think I have the tendency to miss out on right now. I am trying to change that and not worry so much.

• And lastly, R is on a week-long vacation from work this week so naturally, he's planned a little trip for us. I honestly don't know a whole lot about it other than that we're going to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, Silver Dollar City, and Cape Girardeau. Although I couldn't tell you what's in the latter, R informs me the five to six hour drive will be worth it and I'm going to love the reason we're going.
  I don't think I really even know when we're leaving...today? Or tomorrow? I don't know. We'll see what happens.
  If you haven't gathered, R likes to surprise me a lot. Whether it's mysterious trips, or fine papers from work (he works in a warehouse that ships paper), or donuts in the morning. R is so good to me and I love everything he does. <3

So there you have it for now. I am excited for this trip and I'll definitely share what I can here. I hope all is well with you and you're enjoying the season! I am definitely looking forward to the drive through the Ozarks and seeing all the beautiful colors and fall leaves. More soon and best wishes! 

What is Right

Big things are in the works around here, friends. Big, scary, exciting things.

Full disclosure as usual. The past two to three years have been really rough for me. I won't pinpoint every reason why, as there are quite a few, but I can outline some and I will in a sec. But let me back up to August of 2011.

That was the month that moved to Maryville, Missouri for college at Northwest Missouri State University. I had decided on this location for very simple reasons: the campus was pretty, it was somewhere I'd never been, and it was inexpensive compared to other universities. Plus, it just seemed like a nice place and I could genuinely see myself going to school there.

My mom, sister, and I arrived at my dorm building around noon. I brought too many things and it was annoying to try and move everything to my room on the fifth floor. Afterwards, my mom and sister cried and left me standing at the front of the building. I thought I would have been emotional, but I surprised myself. I was determined and rejuvenated. A new life of independence had arrived in those moments. I spent the weekend with my friends, going to parties and social functions, playing games with strangers, and attending back-to-school BBQs.

But the independence didn't last, because little did I know that four days later, I would meet the love of my life and my future husband Sean.

When Sean and I began dating that November, I didn't know that it was over for my independence, and that the self-discovery time I had waited for was gone. I happily threw out my plans, dreams, and hopes for new ones that involved Sean and after two years at Northwest, we realized we had outgrown it, so we moved on to live in the city.

I spent the last few months at Northwest completely depressed and lost. I was having an existential crisis, but still grieving over this belief I had that Northwest could offer me nothing I hadn't already been given. We arrived to our new apartment in the summer of 2013 and it was perfect for a good while. The time we've spent in Kansas City since has been amazing, challenging, tough, educational, and more. Not to mention, I feel like we've grown and changed so much in the last two years, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But there is something missing in me. I am beginning to arrive at this point in my life where I need to know where I am coming from and who I am. At least generally. And while I could tell you I am a crafter, that I love to travel, and bake, and I love my rabbits and my puppy; I couldn't tell you much more. I've been yearning since I was child to go out into the world on my own and prove to myself that I can do it. That I can live and be successful with only myself to rely on. But since I've been with Sean, I haven't had the opportunity to experience those things, and unfortunately, many people have come to think of me as not only too dependent on Sean, but a near leech when it comes to my abilities to survive without him. And the sad part is, I think for the most part, they're right. I am too dependent on Sean. Emotionally, financially, etc. This is a heartbreaking conclusion to come to because that's not me at all. That was never who I wanted to be, and it's definitely not who I am on the inside.

My mind has been restless these past two years. The itching began as this thing I could push down or wave away, but over time it has grown into something entirely different that I can no longer ignore. 

I love Sean, but I cannot continue to allow myself be his shadow. I want to stand on my own feet and I want it to be clear that I can to everyone and especially to myself. Among other things, we talked a lot about what to do. I've spent a good amount of the past year or so expecting something to come up, for some kind of answer to just fall from the sky, but it never did.

So finally, we made the decision to create an opportunity: I have applied and been accepted to go back to Northwest...without Sean.

To put this into perspective, Maryville is about 100 miles north of Kansas City. I will be on my own, living in a dorm with a roommate, meal plan, and all. I will essentially be starting from scratch. And this is both terrifying and incredibly exciting at the same time.

I know I wrote a post about a month ago about my considering quitting school, and I ended up deciding that I would. But I have honestly felt that going away to school on my own is the best, easiest, most cost-efficient thing I could do right now. It's not that I don't want my degree. I think I just felt like the things I was after in my life wasn't going to allow for it to happen. But at this point, I think those wants have to fall away for the needs. For a long time, I've talked about, "This is what I want to do with my life." The place I'm at now is deeper and more important. It's, "This is who I want to be in my life." And I think in order for those things to develop and grow, you sometimes have to put yourself in a really challenging position.

I am really nervous to go back to Northwest alone, because I know me. I tend to shut down when I feel like my source of strength isn't available. For a long time, especially in high school, that source of strength was me. But then Sean came along and it somehow became him and our relationship. I don't want that to be me. I want to be independent, and self-sufficient, and confident. And it will be so, so hard to keep from being miserable without him and focused on myself, but it must be done in order to be the best I can be for me and for us.Sean has been incredibly supportive and encouraging throughout all of this, and I have no doubts that he won't continue. We love and care about each other and our happiness, and I know how tough it will be to navigate the long-distance thing, as well as potentially negative comments from others, but we don't care. Sometimes you have to do something really tough in order to achieve something great. 

So this is my big adventure beginning this August. I have the summer to get things together and set up for the year, and then I will be off on my own.

My plan is to pick up with this blog more when I go in order to allow readers to follow my experience and to hopefully give insight and thoughts about the college and dorm life. 

Positivity is key at this point. I know this is the right path for me right now, and I think that's all that matters.

All I can do is stand my ground, believe in myself, and do what I need. Cheers to change. 

"Do what is right, not what is easy."

What is Failure?

This was a photo Joe took in Portland. He said I could use it!

Things are changing around here, and I mean fast. In just a week, what Sean and I thought was our solid plan for these next few months, quickly flipped upside down when my brother Joe came home unexpectedly due to some difficulties he'd been having in Portland.

As I mentioned a while back, he moved to there to begin a new chapter in his life, but found that things just weren't working out, and among other reasons, he was homesick. Sean and I were quickly met with a decision: Should we carry on with our plans? Or, help Joe? He couldn't return to our mom's as she doesn't have room for him, so it looked like there was nowhere else for him to go. We talked a lot about it and being the motherly big sister I am, it didn't take long for me to decide that it was something we had to do, and Sean loves Joe like a brother, so he was really more than happy to have him.

We picked Joe up from the airport last night and now he's living with us until we all move into our bigger apartment next month. Sean and I are honestly really happy with this plan because it means we get to stay in the city, plus having another person sharing the expenses allows for us to actually live below our means. And of course, I get to see my brother everyday. 

Still, between Joe's situation with Portland and Sean and I changing our plan completely, it got me thinking about...well, failure. Weird, I know but hang with me. 

Sean and I both have known our share of criticism, between people who love us and just want us to be the best we can be, to others who are just plain negative. No matter the reason, I think sometimes it's easy to think about your story and wonder, "Is this failure?" 

I want to look at my brother's situation as an example. Joe had every intention to go to Portland and meet his goals. He'd find a job, save enough money, and then get his own place. But none of those goals were met, and then he found himself coming back home. In the letter I wrote him in on this blog, I said, "I am so excited for this new chapter in your life and remember that no matter what happens, it's all part of the story." While it may be part of his story, some people might see it as failure. It's bad enough he didn't achieve what he had set out do, but then he had to come back home and live with his sister. Did Joe fail?

What is failure? What does it look like? Google defines 'failure' as being "the lack of success." Well, what does that mean?? It defines 'success' as being "the accomplishment of aim or purpose." So failure is the lack of accomplishment of aim or purpose. But purposes change and can change in an instant. Life isn't straight and narrow, it's an entire universe of possibility and meaning. Everything is fluid and versatile, so it seems silly to identify one person or thing as being either just a success or just a failure. 

I think it can be so easy to think of yourself as a failure when you're young. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that the worst things in life can just be part of the story. Sean and I both have the tendency to feel this way about our lives. But at some point, we have to step back and look at the situation for what it is in comparison to everything else. 

We're about to begin a new part to this chapter in our lives and while it can be a little terrifying at times, it's also really refreshing and exciting to begin something new. "It's an adventure," Sean said when I expressed my fear of moving on. 

Adventure, change, growth, are all just part of the story. Without conflict or change, what is the story anyway? Personally, I think that the only real failure is a story that concludes before the end. As long as you don't give up and you continue to strive towards what you want, even if what you want changes a thousand times, as long as that movement is still happening, then failure is non-existent. 

Do you feel like you've failed in your life? How do you deal with change and growth?