Big things are in the works around here, friends. Big, scary, exciting things.
Full disclosure as usual. The past two to three years have been really rough for me. I won't pinpoint every reason why, as there are quite a few, but I can outline some and I will in a sec. But let me back up to August of 2011.
That was the month that moved to Maryville, Missouri for college at Northwest Missouri State University. I had decided on this location for very simple reasons: the campus was pretty, it was somewhere I'd never been, and it was inexpensive compared to other universities. Plus, it just seemed like a nice place and I could genuinely see myself going to school there.
My mom, sister, and I arrived at my dorm building around noon. I brought too many things and it was annoying to try and move everything to my room on the fifth floor. Afterwards, my mom and sister cried and left me standing at the front of the building. I thought I would have been emotional, but I surprised myself. I was determined and rejuvenated. A new life of independence had arrived in those moments. I spent the weekend with my friends, going to parties and social functions, playing games with strangers, and attending back-to-school BBQs.
But the independence didn't last, because little did I know that four days later, I would meet the love of my life and my future husband Sean.
When Sean and I began dating that November, I didn't know that it was over for my independence, and that the self-discovery time I had waited for was gone. I happily threw out my plans, dreams, and hopes for new ones that involved Sean and after two years at Northwest, we realized we had outgrown it, so we moved on to live in the city.
I spent the last few months at Northwest completely depressed and lost. I was having an existential crisis, but still grieving over this belief I had that Northwest could offer me nothing I hadn't already been given. We arrived to our new apartment in the summer of 2013 and it was perfect for a good while. The time we've spent in Kansas City since has been amazing, challenging, tough, educational, and more. Not to mention, I feel like we've grown and changed so much in the last two years, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But there is something missing in me. I am beginning to arrive at this point in my life where I need to know where I am coming from and who I am. At least generally. And while I could tell you I am a crafter, that I love to travel, and bake, and I love my rabbits and my puppy; I couldn't tell you much more. I've been yearning since I was child to go out into the world on my own and prove to myself that I can do it. That I can live and be successful with only myself to rely on. But since I've been with Sean, I haven't had the opportunity to experience those things, and unfortunately, many people have come to think of me as not only too dependent on Sean, but a near leech when it comes to my abilities to survive without him. And the sad part is, I think for the most part, they're right. I am too dependent on Sean. Emotionally, financially, etc. This is a heartbreaking conclusion to come to because that's not me at all. That was never who I wanted to be, and it's definitely not who I am on the inside.
My mind has been restless these past two years. The itching began as this thing I could push down or wave away, but over time it has grown into something entirely different that I can no longer ignore.
I love Sean, but I cannot continue to allow myself be his shadow. I want to stand on my own feet and I want it to be clear that I can to everyone and especially to myself. Among other things, we talked a lot about what to do. I've spent a good amount of the past year or so expecting something to come up, for some kind of answer to just fall from the sky, but it never did.
So finally, we made the decision to create an opportunity: I have applied and been accepted to go back to Northwest...without Sean.
To put this into perspective, Maryville is about 100 miles north of Kansas City. I will be on my own, living in a dorm with a roommate, meal plan, and all. I will essentially be starting from scratch. And this is both terrifying and incredibly exciting at the same time.
I know I wrote a post about a month ago about my considering quitting school, and I ended up deciding that I would. But I have honestly felt that going away to school on my own is the best, easiest, most cost-efficient thing I could do right now. It's not that I don't want my degree. I think I just felt like the things I was after in my life wasn't going to allow for it to happen. But at this point, I think those wants have to fall away for the needs. For a long time, I've talked about, "This is what I want to do with my life." The place I'm at now is deeper and more important. It's, "This is who I want to be in my life." And I think in order for those things to develop and grow, you sometimes have to put yourself in a really challenging position.
I am really nervous to go back to Northwest alone, because I know me. I tend to shut down when I feel like my source of strength isn't available. For a long time, especially in high school, that source of strength was me. But then Sean came along and it somehow became him and our relationship. I don't want that to be me. I want to be independent, and self-sufficient, and confident. And it will be so, so hard to keep from being miserable without him and focused on myself, but it must be done in order to be the best I can be for me and for us.Sean has been incredibly supportive and encouraging throughout all of this, and I have no doubts that he won't continue. We love and care about each other and our happiness, and I know how tough it will be to navigate the long-distance thing, as well as potentially negative comments from others, but we don't care. Sometimes you have to do something really tough in order to achieve something great.
So this is my big adventure beginning this August. I have the summer to get things together and set up for the year, and then I will be off on my own.
My plan is to pick up with this blog more when I go in order to allow readers to follow my experience and to hopefully give insight and thoughts about the college and dorm life.
Positivity is key at this point. I know this is the right path for me right now, and I think that's all that matters.
All I can do is stand my ground, believe in myself, and do what I need. Cheers to change.
"Do what is right, not what is easy."
