“When you’re ready, I’m ready.” A bomb went off in my head. I looked at his face, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“I’m just not emotionally ready right now. It would be too traumatic.”
“Well, when you are.” And that was that.
This was the first time Sean expressed an independent interest in divorcing me. I had mentioned it before in passing, as a ‘maybe’ thing, but actually taking steps to make it happen was new territory. I was afraid of letting go of the vision I had of us, of him, and of our future.. But recent days and weeks carved the end into our hearts and we knew it was just a matter of time.
I wrote a post on here a little while back about striking out on my own without Sean, learning how to be independent and have a life I can call my own. All of this is still true, but I left out one major piece that even I had trouble recognizing or admitting: I wanted out of the relationship. And even more, I had wanted it for longer than I realized.
Every relationship’s end has two sides. Although I want to be honest, I think for the sake of productivity in whatever it is, if anything, Sean and I have left to work on together, I won’t outline who did what or who was wrong.
I made mistakes. He made mistakes. But in the end, we’ve realized more than anything, how incompatible we never knew we are. “I just wish we were different people.” I told him the night before he moved out. But we’re not. And that’s the problem.
Sean is very passionate, almost to a fault, about his interests and things he knows. He’s incredibly intelligent, a beautiful writer, and although he will swear up and down that he’s not that smart, anyone who talks to him will argue otherwise. Sean is a highly emotional person, but keeps those emotions in check with his unwavering rationality. And most of all, his loyalty as a friend and a partner is so strong, it’s been known to get him into trouble from time to time.
Sean is a beautiful person, and although he and I are very different, I thought it didn’t matter. I thought it made us strong. But I never realized that unfortunately, those differences were so at odds with what I needed from a partner, that they would ultimately be the thing that derailed our relationship and pulled us apart.
I said that I didn’t know if Sean and I have anything left to work on together because it’s true. Things change everyday. We want so much to be there for each other because there’s still love and we still care. But at the same time, we’re hurt. We’re devastated and angry. To be completely honest, I have no idea what is going to happen between us. I hope the damage that has been done isn’t too much that we can’t be friends, but I am also aware of how unlikely that will be if we don’t learn how to forgive and heal properly.
This is why I haven’t written much here. And if you’re a friend or relative, this is why I have withdrawn in a lot of ways. I haven’t known which way is up for the past three or four months, but to be honest, it's probably been a lot longer. I am extremely sad, embarrassed (we only got married nine months ago), angry, and just really hurt. We didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t think it would happen to me. But it did. And I am trying to handle it in the best way I can.
It’s so difficult getting myself to realize and accept this new life, that we won’t be celebrating our wedding anniversary every year. That we won’t move to Chicago together and see the world. That we won’t buy our first house, and that it won’t be our baby I hold in my arms. When you have that vision in your mind for so long, it’s heart-wrenching to force yourself to let it go so suddenly.
I never wanted to be divorced at almost 23. I never wanted to be divorced at all. But that’s just the way things go. Sometimes you can’t control every aspect of your life, even when you truly believe you’ve got a good grip or that you can work through it. Sometimes things just...fall apart.
I’ve been trying to occupy my time with work, finding a second job, getting things in order, new projects, and exercising. I found out the going to college next month is a no-go since my financial aid won’t cover everything, and to make it work would make my life a complete nightmare. And to be honest, I only wanted to go because I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
The apartment is in my name for now. I've said I'll keep it, but who even knows, these things change a million times everyday. I had to give Phoebe away, but I am planning on keeping the rabbits.
I’ve been trying to work on me and what I want in my life, thinking about new projects and ideas to pursue, plans for the future, etc.
Despite the heart-ache, I feel different. I feel...relieved. And I am finally on the path that I’ve always wanted to be on. I’m running a lot and getting in shape (I lost 20 pounds in three months), I am trying new foods, listening to new music, reading, and saying yes to new experiences. I feel as though these changes in my life are necessary in order to continue living properly. I need to feel like there is something positive out of this, and that I am beginning a new chapter. Otherwise, if I dwell too much on the opposite, it will consume me and ruin any chance I have doing what I need to do.
I have no idea what will happen, and I am okay with that. Everything is up in the air, so we'll see what comes together. To new beginnings.
