No More Hiding

I've been struggling a lot recently. I want to be honest and open about what's going on in my life, but at the same time, I'm fully aware that not everyone wants to read sob-stories about how bad someone else's life is. But I want to be honest. This blog is meant to be a record of sorts for my journey and my life. I can't just tailor it to what looks and sounds good.

I'm not too proud of my life right now. I try to be, but at the same time, I'm still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the divorce and everything that has followed. In recent days, I've tried to analyze why exactly this is and what I can do to change it. I think my shame and embarrassment stems from my fear that others are judging me. Getting a divorce is a somewhat critical moment in a person's life, and people are bound to have some commentary about "what ought to be done". I don't deal well with that kind of criticism. It's very destructive for me, and I always end up feeling guilty for not very clear reasons.

Blogging is difficult sometimes because the majority of bloggers tend to tailor every aspect of their life, as depicted on their blog, as being perfect and beautiful all the time. I just...can't be that way. There's hasn't been enough stability and happiness in my life right now, or even in recent years, to warrant that kind of deliriously positive attitude. Even if it's fake.
So I've decided to just own everything. Good, bad, really bad. I want to be real and let others know who may be going through something similar, that they don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed of what they're going through.

Here's me being honest: My life has been kind of a nightmare the past two or three months. I've pretty much had no money...and I don't mean "Oh, I have about $50 in the bank." I mean, it's been under $5 for over two months. I've probably applied to over twenty different jobs, had two interviews which went well but I didn't get them for whatever reason, so I still don't have a second job. I've spent most of the summer starving or stretching food out in order to keep from going hungry. The last few weeks have been alright because I've had help from family just bringing by stuff they had or buying things for me. But I've mostly felt shame because of that as well. And the only great happiness I have in my life is my boyfriend and my job. Yes, I am dating someone and have been for about three months. (We'll call him R for right now.)

On top of all this, I can no longer afford the apartment. I've spent a lot of weeks wondering whether or not I'll be homeless in a month because I can't afford it by myself. I have nowhere to go. It's been really bad.
Finally, R offered for me to come live with him. It would be a safe, stable option and I could pay off my debts and save up money. I don't worry about whether or not we'd along or anything. R and I have been friends for a few years now and we know each other really well. And I know that he'd offer even if we weren't seeing each other. So...I accepted. I'm moving in next weekend.

I feel like I've had a buzzing in my head for the past three months and it's finally quieting down. It's a huge relief. I have the foundation I need to begin building myself back up and getting to where I need to be. It's not an ideal situation, as I'll be living in the suburbs instead of the city, but it will be nice to have somewhere to live for the foreseeable future. (Don't worry, I'll talk about him at some point, just not today.)

My biggest challenge emotionally has been learning how to move on in a positive way. Sean and I have made a plan to fill out the divorce papers together sometime in the next couple weeks. I am looking forward to getting it done so that we can officially move on in our own ways.
I try to find things to be happy about. I work as much as I can and spend weekends with R, which bring me a great deal of calmness and contentment that I don't have during the week.

But despite all the bad, I am still grateful. I am grateful that things aren't as bad as they could be. I'm grateful for R, to have someone who is supportive and caring, who makes me laugh and keeps me grounded. I am grateful for my job and the wonderful people who work there with me, their kindness and understanding. I am grateful for my sister and her little girl and our phone conversations together while I walk to work or home. I am grateful for the coffee shop by my work for making my day better with their chocolate zucchini bread and coffee drinks while I'm on my break, and the fact that they know me and what I order now because I come in so often. I am grateful for my walks to and from work, even though they're two miles, or thirty minutes, long as they allow me to listen to new albums and music I otherwise wouldn't have time for. I am grateful that I've been so fortunate to be able to live in the city of Kansas City for the past two and a half years. There are so many things, big and small, I have to be thankful for, and I want to focus on those things the most.

I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of this part of my life anymore. Everyone has low points in their lives. Why not embrace them and be open about what you're going through?
I want to move on and grow from this moment in my life. And I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. So I'll keep in touch. No more hiding.

New Beginnings

“When you’re ready, I’m ready.” A bomb went off in my head. I looked at his face, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“I’m just not emotionally ready right now. It would be too traumatic.”
“Well, when you are.” And that was that.

This was the first time Sean expressed an independent interest in divorcing me. I had mentioned it before in passing, as a ‘maybe’ thing, but actually taking steps to make it happen was new territory. I was afraid of letting go of the vision I had of us, of him, and of our future.. But recent days and weeks carved the end into our hearts and we knew it was just a matter of time.

I wrote a post on here a little while back about striking out on my own without Sean, learning how to be independent and have a life I can call my own. All of this is still true, but I left out one major piece that even I had trouble recognizing or admitting: I wanted out of the relationship. And even more, I had wanted it for longer than I realized.
Every relationship’s end has two sides. Although I want to be honest, I think for the sake of productivity in whatever it is, if anything, Sean and I have left to work on together, I won’t outline who did what or who was wrong.
I made mistakes. He made mistakes. But in the end, we’ve realized more than anything, how incompatible we never knew we are. “I just wish we were different people.” I told him the night before he moved out. But we’re not. And that’s the problem.
Sean is very passionate, almost to a fault, about his interests and things he knows. He’s incredibly intelligent, a beautiful writer, and although he will swear up and down that he’s not that smart, anyone who talks to him will argue otherwise. Sean is a highly emotional person, but keeps those emotions in check with his unwavering rationality. And most of all, his loyalty as a friend and a partner is so strong, it’s been known to get him into trouble from time to time.
Sean is a beautiful person, and although he and I are very different, I thought it didn’t matter. I thought it made us strong. But I never realized that unfortunately, those differences were so at odds with what I needed from a partner, that they would ultimately be the thing that derailed our relationship and pulled us apart.

I said that I didn’t know if Sean and I have anything left to work on together because it’s true. Things change everyday. We want so much to be there for each other because there’s still love and we still care. But at the same time, we’re hurt. We’re devastated and angry. To be completely honest, I have no idea what is going to happen between us. I hope the damage that has been done isn’t too much that we can’t be friends, but I am also aware of how unlikely that will be if we don’t learn how to forgive and heal properly.

This is why I haven’t written much here. And if you’re a friend or relative, this is why I have withdrawn in a lot of ways. I haven’t known which way is up for the past three or four months, but to be honest, it's probably been a lot longer. I am extremely sad, embarrassed (we only got married nine months ago), angry, and just really hurt. We didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t think it would happen to me. But it did. And I am trying to handle it in the best way I can.

It’s so difficult getting myself to realize and accept this new life, that we won’t be celebrating our wedding anniversary every year. That we won’t move to Chicago together and see the world. That we won’t buy our first house, and that it won’t be our baby I hold in my arms. When you have that vision in your mind for so long, it’s heart-wrenching to force yourself to let it go so suddenly.

I never wanted to be divorced at almost 23. I never wanted to be divorced at all. But that’s just the way things go. Sometimes you can’t control every aspect of your life, even when you truly believe you’ve got a good grip or that you can work through it. Sometimes things just...fall apart.

I’ve been trying to occupy my time with work, finding a second job, getting things in order, new projects, and exercising. I found out the going to college next month is a no-go since my financial aid won’t cover everything, and to make it work would make my life a complete nightmare. And to be honest, I only wanted to go because I felt like I had nowhere else to go.
The apartment is in my name for now. I've said I'll keep it, but who even knows, these things change a million times everyday. I had to give Phoebe away, but I am planning on keeping the rabbits.
I’ve been trying to work on me and what I want in my life, thinking about new projects and ideas to pursue, plans for the future, etc.
Despite the heart-ache, I feel different. I feel...relieved. And I am finally on the path that I’ve always wanted to be on. I’m running a lot and getting in shape (I lost 20 pounds in three months), I am trying new foods, listening to new music, reading, and saying yes to new experiences. I feel as though these changes in my life are necessary in order to continue living properly. I need to feel like there is something positive out of this, and that I am beginning a new chapter. Otherwise, if I dwell too much on the opposite, it will consume me and ruin any chance I have doing what I need to do.

I have no idea what will happen, and I am okay with that. Everything is up in the air, so we'll see what comes together. To new beginnings.

A Letter to My Brother

Dear Joe,

I've begun this post many times before this one, but I could never find the right words to say. Everything got jumbled up and nothing sounded right. So here I am trying once again, but I think I will just say what I mean this time without embellishments and fancy things.

I am proud of you. You've endured so much throughout the years, and I won't pretend there weren't times when I worried a great deal about your future. But you did it. You finished school early. You made it to adulthood in once piece. And now you've moved away to the coast to pursue your dreams and experience something new. I am amazed by you.

You and I have been on each other's good sides and our worst throughout our lives. There were times when you claimed you hated me in your own boyish anger and angst, and of course, I antagonized you. But there were other times when you stood up for me, and you wanted more than anything for me to like you. I never forgot those times.

Things have changed so much over our eighteen years together. You were my baby brother, then my little brother, my playmate, my friend, annoying kid who just so happens to occupy a bedroom near mine, just a family member, to my friend again, and now you're an adult who lives in Oregon on his own! What happened?! 

The memories have come and gone. From playing with Legos and Hot Wheels in your room to holding our sister's baby for the first time to walking me down the aisle at my wedding. You're my brother, my friend, and I am proud of you.

I am so excited for this new chapter in your life and remember that no matter what happens, it's all part of the story.

I love you and best of luck, little brother.

Yours,
Kaleigh