I've been struggling a lot recently. I want to be honest and open about what's going on in my life, but at the same time, I'm fully aware that not everyone wants to read sob-stories about how bad someone else's life is. But I want to be honest. This blog is meant to be a record of sorts for my journey and my life. I can't just tailor it to what looks and sounds good.
I'm not too proud of my life right now. I try to be, but at the same time, I'm still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the divorce and everything that has followed. In recent days, I've tried to analyze why exactly this is and what I can do to change it. I think my shame and embarrassment stems from my fear that others are judging me. Getting a divorce is a somewhat critical moment in a person's life, and people are bound to have some commentary about "what ought to be done". I don't deal well with that kind of criticism. It's very destructive for me, and I always end up feeling guilty for not very clear reasons.
Blogging is difficult sometimes because the majority of bloggers tend to tailor every aspect of their life, as depicted on their blog, as being perfect and beautiful all the time. I just...can't be that way. There's hasn't been enough stability and happiness in my life right now, or even in recent years, to warrant that kind of deliriously positive attitude. Even if it's fake.
So I've decided to just own everything. Good, bad, really bad. I want to be real and let others know who may be going through something similar, that they don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed of what they're going through.
Here's me being honest: My life has been kind of a nightmare the past two or three months. I've pretty much had no money...and I don't mean "Oh, I have about $50 in the bank." I mean, it's been under $5 for over two months. I've probably applied to over twenty different jobs, had two interviews which went well but I didn't get them for whatever reason, so I still don't have a second job. I've spent most of the summer starving or stretching food out in order to keep from going hungry. The last few weeks have been alright because I've had help from family just bringing by stuff they had or buying things for me. But I've mostly felt shame because of that as well. And the only great happiness I have in my life is my boyfriend and my job. Yes, I am dating someone and have been for about three months. (We'll call him R for right now.)
On top of all this, I can no longer afford the apartment. I've spent a lot of weeks wondering whether or not I'll be homeless in a month because I can't afford it by myself. I have nowhere to go. It's been really bad.
Finally, R offered for me to come live with him. It would be a safe, stable option and I could pay off my debts and save up money. I don't worry about whether or not we'd along or anything. R and I have been friends for a few years now and we know each other really well. And I know that he'd offer even if we weren't seeing each other. So...I accepted. I'm moving in next weekend.
I feel like I've had a buzzing in my head for the past three months and it's finally quieting down. It's a huge relief. I have the foundation I need to begin building myself back up and getting to where I need to be. It's not an ideal situation, as I'll be living in the suburbs instead of the city, but it will be nice to have somewhere to live for the foreseeable future. (Don't worry, I'll talk about him at some point, just not today.)
My biggest challenge emotionally has been learning how to move on in a positive way. Sean and I have made a plan to fill out the divorce papers together sometime in the next couple weeks. I am looking forward to getting it done so that we can officially move on in our own ways.
I try to find things to be happy about. I work as much as I can and spend weekends with R, which bring me a great deal of calmness and contentment that I don't have during the week.
But despite all the bad, I am still grateful. I am grateful that things aren't as bad as they could be. I'm grateful for R, to have someone who is supportive and caring, who makes me laugh and keeps me grounded. I am grateful for my job and the wonderful people who work there with me, their kindness and understanding. I am grateful for my sister and her little girl and our phone conversations together while I walk to work or home. I am grateful for the coffee shop by my work for making my day better with their chocolate zucchini bread and coffee drinks while I'm on my break, and the fact that they know me and what I order now because I come in so often. I am grateful for my walks to and from work, even though they're two miles, or thirty minutes, long as they allow me to listen to new albums and music I otherwise wouldn't have time for. I am grateful that I've been so fortunate to be able to live in the city of Kansas City for the past two and a half years. There are so many things, big and small, I have to be thankful for, and I want to focus on those things the most.
I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of this part of my life anymore. Everyone has low points in their lives. Why not embrace them and be open about what you're going through?
I want to move on and grow from this moment in my life. And I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. So I'll keep in touch. No more hiding.
