No More Hiding

I've been struggling a lot recently. I want to be honest and open about what's going on in my life, but at the same time, I'm fully aware that not everyone wants to read sob-stories about how bad someone else's life is. But I want to be honest. This blog is meant to be a record of sorts for my journey and my life. I can't just tailor it to what looks and sounds good.

I'm not too proud of my life right now. I try to be, but at the same time, I'm still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the divorce and everything that has followed. In recent days, I've tried to analyze why exactly this is and what I can do to change it. I think my shame and embarrassment stems from my fear that others are judging me. Getting a divorce is a somewhat critical moment in a person's life, and people are bound to have some commentary about "what ought to be done". I don't deal well with that kind of criticism. It's very destructive for me, and I always end up feeling guilty for not very clear reasons.

Blogging is difficult sometimes because the majority of bloggers tend to tailor every aspect of their life, as depicted on their blog, as being perfect and beautiful all the time. I just...can't be that way. There's hasn't been enough stability and happiness in my life right now, or even in recent years, to warrant that kind of deliriously positive attitude. Even if it's fake.
So I've decided to just own everything. Good, bad, really bad. I want to be real and let others know who may be going through something similar, that they don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed of what they're going through.

Here's me being honest: My life has been kind of a nightmare the past two or three months. I've pretty much had no money...and I don't mean "Oh, I have about $50 in the bank." I mean, it's been under $5 for over two months. I've probably applied to over twenty different jobs, had two interviews which went well but I didn't get them for whatever reason, so I still don't have a second job. I've spent most of the summer starving or stretching food out in order to keep from going hungry. The last few weeks have been alright because I've had help from family just bringing by stuff they had or buying things for me. But I've mostly felt shame because of that as well. And the only great happiness I have in my life is my boyfriend and my job. Yes, I am dating someone and have been for about three months. (We'll call him R for right now.)

On top of all this, I can no longer afford the apartment. I've spent a lot of weeks wondering whether or not I'll be homeless in a month because I can't afford it by myself. I have nowhere to go. It's been really bad.
Finally, R offered for me to come live with him. It would be a safe, stable option and I could pay off my debts and save up money. I don't worry about whether or not we'd along or anything. R and I have been friends for a few years now and we know each other really well. And I know that he'd offer even if we weren't seeing each other. So...I accepted. I'm moving in next weekend.

I feel like I've had a buzzing in my head for the past three months and it's finally quieting down. It's a huge relief. I have the foundation I need to begin building myself back up and getting to where I need to be. It's not an ideal situation, as I'll be living in the suburbs instead of the city, but it will be nice to have somewhere to live for the foreseeable future. (Don't worry, I'll talk about him at some point, just not today.)

My biggest challenge emotionally has been learning how to move on in a positive way. Sean and I have made a plan to fill out the divorce papers together sometime in the next couple weeks. I am looking forward to getting it done so that we can officially move on in our own ways.
I try to find things to be happy about. I work as much as I can and spend weekends with R, which bring me a great deal of calmness and contentment that I don't have during the week.

But despite all the bad, I am still grateful. I am grateful that things aren't as bad as they could be. I'm grateful for R, to have someone who is supportive and caring, who makes me laugh and keeps me grounded. I am grateful for my job and the wonderful people who work there with me, their kindness and understanding. I am grateful for my sister and her little girl and our phone conversations together while I walk to work or home. I am grateful for the coffee shop by my work for making my day better with their chocolate zucchini bread and coffee drinks while I'm on my break, and the fact that they know me and what I order now because I come in so often. I am grateful for my walks to and from work, even though they're two miles, or thirty minutes, long as they allow me to listen to new albums and music I otherwise wouldn't have time for. I am grateful that I've been so fortunate to be able to live in the city of Kansas City for the past two and a half years. There are so many things, big and small, I have to be thankful for, and I want to focus on those things the most.

I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of this part of my life anymore. Everyone has low points in their lives. Why not embrace them and be open about what you're going through?
I want to move on and grow from this moment in my life. And I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. So I'll keep in touch. No more hiding.

The Worst Week

To be honest, this week has been the worst I have had a quite a while. My wisdom teeth operation went perfectly on Tuesday and I have been so lucky to not run into any complications. It helps that I have been following the directions exactly, but I still believe I have been lucky. And thank goodness for that.
A few months back, I began having some pain in one of my molars. It was sensitive to eating and I figured it should probably be looked at anyway since I had it filled in the eighth grade. So I went to the appointment and they told me that the fill-in had expanded over time and created a crack in my tooth, which has allowed bacteria to nestle inside my molar and cause all sorts of pain and havoc. Long story short, I had to have the middle of the tooth drilled, cleaned out, the crack covered, and then filled back up again. But the pain never went away and when I went back to the dentist, they were much more interested in having my wisdom teeth removed.
Almost a week after that operation and I can one-hundred percent say that the pain I am feeling right now is because of that freaking tooth from before. A big part of me just wants them to pull it because one, it is quicker, two, I don't have any money for a root canal, and three, at least if it is pulled, I no longer have to worry about it coming back. I was expressing my frustration to my grandmother on the phone yesterday and she advised me to just have them pull it like she did in high school. "You don't really need it anyway!" I suppose so. It's just frustrating because if I'd known what the real problem was, I wouldn't have let them pull out the wisdom tooth and then just let it take my crappy tooth's place.
So needless to say, I've been in so much pain these past two weeks. The wisdom teeth thing was a complete breeze compared to this. I told Sean last night that if it came down to feeling this pain or having my arm broken like when I was a kid (clean break, both bones), I would totally take a broken arm, no hesitation.
I have three papers to write for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and the pain keeps me from focusing. And then when I take the drugs they gave me for the pain, I really can't focus and all I want to do is sleep.
So, like I said, I am having a bad week.

However, I will say that despite how much pain I may or may not be in throughout next week, I do plan on trying to have the best week that I can. I read today that the hurricane that's hitting Alaska this week will be sending winter to us very early this year. It's going to be a little weird since it has been in the 60s (F) for the past month and then next week it will suddenly be in the 30s and 40s. But I am happy.
I wrote in my last post how I have been feeling about the Christmas season and how I would usually be chomping at the bit to put up my decorations and begin my gift shopping, but this year I feel the need to take more of my time. I still feel that is true, but I also think that the colder weather helps.
So my plan is, if I get my papers and homework and all of my things done this coming week, then I will put up my Christmas things as a reward. Here's to hoping that I will actually hold out that long.

I just wanted to share what has been going on here lately. It is frustrating because I have so many ideas and plans for this blog and other projects, but it feels like with everything that has been happening to me recently, I can't stay focused.
There isn't much of anything that is really standing out as beautiful in my life right now, but I don't think that means there won't be. My apartment is a mess, I have a ton of homework to do, Christmas is coming up and we don't have money right now for gifts.
But that's the way it goes. Things aren't always going to be beautiful blog posts and Instagram photos summing up some kind of feeling that defined the season.
Sometimes it's crying and cursing on the couch with ice on your face, surrounded by a mess of papers and soup bowls, wishing someone would break your arm or at least drill a whole into your head to get rid of the headache. I don't have any pictures of that though. So here are some other things I have found happiness in this week.

My grandpa cut these coasters out of a tree for our wedding and Jayme and I wood-burned the letters and date in them. My grandma gave me the idea to turn one into a Christmas ornament. I think it turned out beautifully.

Since it is going to be so cold next week, and they say it probably won't get warmer, I began crocheting a scarf for Sean to wear when we walk to class. I think it will look great on him. I love the black and random fibers woven in.

Sean and I are hooked on The Body Shop, especially since we found out that we have one at the mall. They were having buy 1 get whatever deal so I chose this shea oil. It smells so good and I think it will be great for Sean's hair and skin this winter.

Sean brought this home from work one day last week and we've been delighting in its awesomeness almost every night since. It's the kind of ice cream that you actually want to taste and savor rather than scarf it down. I'm in love.

I hope everyone has a a great weekend and that despite what may be going on in your life, you are able to find a few little things that make you happy.
Best wishes!