Sunday Updates

I can't believe I've been living with R for five weeks now. We were talking about it the other night and he said it seems like I've been here for much longer. I agree with that when it comes to my comfort level and being used to everything. The first couple weeks were a little unsure as we dealt with the obvious repercussions of living with someone before your relationship is quite ready. Not that we aren't good or happy living together. But there is a certain level of intimacy that comes with cohabiting that generally exists in increments beforehand. After a month however, I do feel like that level has naturally been reached just by virtue of the situation itself.

Here are some other life updates:

• I began a new job as a barista nearby. The hours are early and somewhat long compared to what I am used to, but for the most part I am glad to be working so close to home. I am still working my other job in the city but since R is moving from night shifts to days, I will only be able to work there on Saturdays. My hope is to get a car and begin working there more when I can.
  
• It's been difficult dealing with Milo's death. I spent a good week after being haunted by the vision of his body when I tried to sleep at night. I'd have to turn on a podcast to distract me in order to fall asleep. Penny seems to be doing really well. I think she's happy to not be bullied anymore. But we still really miss him.
  
• The days are filled with work, Royals games, painting, and projects. I've been following the Royals games this season and I've gotten pretty into it and attached to the players (Hosmer!). I've been working on my painting and practicing with that. I should start looking up different techniques, and I'd like to try oil painting sometime soon as well.
  
• I've been trying to learn how to continue positive thinking, I am teaching myself how to accept and be part of right now instead of spending all my time thinking about what I wish would happen. I spend so much time thinking and worrying about the future, I think I have the tendency to miss out on right now. I am trying to change that and not worry so much.

• And lastly, R is on a week-long vacation from work this week so naturally, he's planned a little trip for us. I honestly don't know a whole lot about it other than that we're going to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, Silver Dollar City, and Cape Girardeau. Although I couldn't tell you what's in the latter, R informs me the five to six hour drive will be worth it and I'm going to love the reason we're going.
  I don't think I really even know when we're leaving...today? Or tomorrow? I don't know. We'll see what happens.
  If you haven't gathered, R likes to surprise me a lot. Whether it's mysterious trips, or fine papers from work (he works in a warehouse that ships paper), or donuts in the morning. R is so good to me and I love everything he does. <3

So there you have it for now. I am excited for this trip and I'll definitely share what I can here. I hope all is well with you and you're enjoying the season! I am definitely looking forward to the drive through the Ozarks and seeing all the beautiful colors and fall leaves. More soon and best wishes! 

Dark Purple Nails & All the Dreams & Plans

This week has been successful so far and with just two days left, I think I feel good about it overall. R and I moved some of my stuff to his house over the weekend, but there's still quite a bit left at the apartment. My goal for the weekend is to get as much as I can done over there and hopefully by the end of next week, I can be finished with it.

My overall attitude has been a positive one. I am happy to see R everyday, even if it's just for an hour or two before he heads to work. Although, this will be changing very soon since he received a promotion of sorts at work and gets to have normal day hours instead of working at night. Because of this, however, I am struggling to figure out the transportation question for work. My job is now thirty minutes away and without a car, I will have no way to get there. I've applied for some office/secretary positions at R's work, which I feel would be the ultimate break that I've been looking for. It would be 40+ hours a week, pay really well, and I'd pretty much have my own car in about a month. So we'll see what happens, if anything. It's entirely possible (and likely) that I'll just end up working two retail jobs out here until I can get back on my feet.

There's a lot that's been floating around in my head lately. The drives to work are long enough for me to think about things. I've determined that I need to put my dreaming on hold for now since it isn't conducive to my place in life at the moment. I had thought very seriously about putting all my money into moving to Chicago. It's been my dream to live there since I visited for the first time a few years ago. But it's just not a practical option. So I've shifted my focus and I am now completely dedicated to becoming the most independent person I can be. I am already pretty much there as far as my confidence and my ability to take care of myself and be on my own. The tough part now is working towards being financially independent. I want to have a good enough job to buy my own car, pay for my own place, and live comfortably without worrying or having to rely on family and friends. I've never been able to do that and I feel like as an almost 23-year-old, now is about the time. After I have reached that goal, I will be able to focus more on what I like and what I want to do.

Until then, I am trying to remember what an exciting and transitional time this is for me. My mom always tries to remind me that I don't have children or major responsibilities like that, so this should be an exciting time of possibilities. She's right and I try to keep that in mind. I am still only 22. It's almost 9 PM and I can stay up however late I want, color in my brand new Fantastic Cities coloring book, journal, drink Arizona strawberry lemonade, and paint my nails dark purple, which are all the things I am going to do.

No More Hiding

I've been struggling a lot recently. I want to be honest and open about what's going on in my life, but at the same time, I'm fully aware that not everyone wants to read sob-stories about how bad someone else's life is. But I want to be honest. This blog is meant to be a record of sorts for my journey and my life. I can't just tailor it to what looks and sounds good.

I'm not too proud of my life right now. I try to be, but at the same time, I'm still incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of the divorce and everything that has followed. In recent days, I've tried to analyze why exactly this is and what I can do to change it. I think my shame and embarrassment stems from my fear that others are judging me. Getting a divorce is a somewhat critical moment in a person's life, and people are bound to have some commentary about "what ought to be done". I don't deal well with that kind of criticism. It's very destructive for me, and I always end up feeling guilty for not very clear reasons.

Blogging is difficult sometimes because the majority of bloggers tend to tailor every aspect of their life, as depicted on their blog, as being perfect and beautiful all the time. I just...can't be that way. There's hasn't been enough stability and happiness in my life right now, or even in recent years, to warrant that kind of deliriously positive attitude. Even if it's fake.
So I've decided to just own everything. Good, bad, really bad. I want to be real and let others know who may be going through something similar, that they don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed of what they're going through.

Here's me being honest: My life has been kind of a nightmare the past two or three months. I've pretty much had no money...and I don't mean "Oh, I have about $50 in the bank." I mean, it's been under $5 for over two months. I've probably applied to over twenty different jobs, had two interviews which went well but I didn't get them for whatever reason, so I still don't have a second job. I've spent most of the summer starving or stretching food out in order to keep from going hungry. The last few weeks have been alright because I've had help from family just bringing by stuff they had or buying things for me. But I've mostly felt shame because of that as well. And the only great happiness I have in my life is my boyfriend and my job. Yes, I am dating someone and have been for about three months. (We'll call him R for right now.)

On top of all this, I can no longer afford the apartment. I've spent a lot of weeks wondering whether or not I'll be homeless in a month because I can't afford it by myself. I have nowhere to go. It's been really bad.
Finally, R offered for me to come live with him. It would be a safe, stable option and I could pay off my debts and save up money. I don't worry about whether or not we'd along or anything. R and I have been friends for a few years now and we know each other really well. And I know that he'd offer even if we weren't seeing each other. So...I accepted. I'm moving in next weekend.

I feel like I've had a buzzing in my head for the past three months and it's finally quieting down. It's a huge relief. I have the foundation I need to begin building myself back up and getting to where I need to be. It's not an ideal situation, as I'll be living in the suburbs instead of the city, but it will be nice to have somewhere to live for the foreseeable future. (Don't worry, I'll talk about him at some point, just not today.)

My biggest challenge emotionally has been learning how to move on in a positive way. Sean and I have made a plan to fill out the divorce papers together sometime in the next couple weeks. I am looking forward to getting it done so that we can officially move on in our own ways.
I try to find things to be happy about. I work as much as I can and spend weekends with R, which bring me a great deal of calmness and contentment that I don't have during the week.

But despite all the bad, I am still grateful. I am grateful that things aren't as bad as they could be. I'm grateful for R, to have someone who is supportive and caring, who makes me laugh and keeps me grounded. I am grateful for my job and the wonderful people who work there with me, their kindness and understanding. I am grateful for my sister and her little girl and our phone conversations together while I walk to work or home. I am grateful for the coffee shop by my work for making my day better with their chocolate zucchini bread and coffee drinks while I'm on my break, and the fact that they know me and what I order now because I come in so often. I am grateful for my walks to and from work, even though they're two miles, or thirty minutes, long as they allow me to listen to new albums and music I otherwise wouldn't have time for. I am grateful that I've been so fortunate to be able to live in the city of Kansas City for the past two and a half years. There are so many things, big and small, I have to be thankful for, and I want to focus on those things the most.

I don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed of this part of my life anymore. Everyone has low points in their lives. Why not embrace them and be open about what you're going through?
I want to move on and grow from this moment in my life. And I want to be the best version of myself that I can be. So I'll keep in touch. No more hiding.

Wednesday Evening Update

These days, weeks, months, have been filled with so much uncertainty. So many ups and downs, and there have been times when I am sure I've finally figured everything out, that I'm finally beginning to get settled, then everything just falls apart again.

My days are spent trying to feel normal. I get up, make breakfast for myself and eat it alone at the table. I take a shower, get dressed, and go to work if I am working that day. If I'm working, I will shamelessly buy a salted caramel iced coffee drink and a chocolate zucchini bread on my break. I'll sit outside the coffee shop and listen to music for my fifteen minutes, just to have something to look forward to that day.
Then I come home, make dinner, talk to my rabbits, and do everything again in the morning. This has been the first time in my life I have ever had to forcibly convince myself of the things there are to be happy about. I've had days when something just sets me into a melancholy spiral, and I have to dig myself out or turn to a friend who can remind me of what I forget. That no, my life isn't over. All of this is temporary. Yes, everything is really terrible and sucks right now, but it won't be that way forever. And hey, don't worry so much, you're working on making things better. It's hard to remember that when it feels like there's just not enough money or energy for even the most basic things.
But I have a plan, I have a goal in mind. I don't want to talk about it yet because it's pretty big and I am still working things out, but I am happy about it.

I have some projects and to-dos to keep me busy. I have someone important in my life that has done so much and opened my eyes to so many things. I am learning tough lessons about life and myself, but all of it is necessary. I feel myself changing and growing in ways that I only imagined just a year ago. I feel myself growing stern and strong, confident and secure in myself, and it feels really good.
I want to tell anyone who reads this, who might be in a similar situation that I was or am in:
If you're in a place where you feel completely stuck or trapped, know that there is always, always a way out. It won't be the easy way, and yes, it will feel like a complete hell most days, but every day is better and better. And one day, you'll see how worth it the hard decision was. Our most defining moments in life are the most difficult. So do what you have to do for you.

This weekend will be spent reading some new books I got from the library (I intend to share at some point, so no worries!) and listing some handmade items onto my Etsy shop. If you're interested, check it out on Saturday! Here's the link: https://www.etsy.com/shop/shoplemonholiday
Otherwise, I'll be drinking hot drinks, cleaning the apartment, and working on new projects.
I hope everyone's week is going well and I promise to check in again very soon. Best wishes!