Wednesday Evening Update

These days, weeks, months, have been filled with so much uncertainty. So many ups and downs, and there have been times when I am sure I've finally figured everything out, that I'm finally beginning to get settled, then everything just falls apart again.

My days are spent trying to feel normal. I get up, make breakfast for myself and eat it alone at the table. I take a shower, get dressed, and go to work if I am working that day. If I'm working, I will shamelessly buy a salted caramel iced coffee drink and a chocolate zucchini bread on my break. I'll sit outside the coffee shop and listen to music for my fifteen minutes, just to have something to look forward to that day.
Then I come home, make dinner, talk to my rabbits, and do everything again in the morning. This has been the first time in my life I have ever had to forcibly convince myself of the things there are to be happy about. I've had days when something just sets me into a melancholy spiral, and I have to dig myself out or turn to a friend who can remind me of what I forget. That no, my life isn't over. All of this is temporary. Yes, everything is really terrible and sucks right now, but it won't be that way forever. And hey, don't worry so much, you're working on making things better. It's hard to remember that when it feels like there's just not enough money or energy for even the most basic things.
But I have a plan, I have a goal in mind. I don't want to talk about it yet because it's pretty big and I am still working things out, but I am happy about it.

I have some projects and to-dos to keep me busy. I have someone important in my life that has done so much and opened my eyes to so many things. I am learning tough lessons about life and myself, but all of it is necessary. I feel myself changing and growing in ways that I only imagined just a year ago. I feel myself growing stern and strong, confident and secure in myself, and it feels really good.
I want to tell anyone who reads this, who might be in a similar situation that I was or am in:
If you're in a place where you feel completely stuck or trapped, know that there is always, always a way out. It won't be the easy way, and yes, it will feel like a complete hell most days, but every day is better and better. And one day, you'll see how worth it the hard decision was. Our most defining moments in life are the most difficult. So do what you have to do for you.

This weekend will be spent reading some new books I got from the library (I intend to share at some point, so no worries!) and listing some handmade items onto my Etsy shop. If you're interested, check it out on Saturday! Here's the link: https://www.etsy.com/shop/shoplemonholiday
Otherwise, I'll be drinking hot drinks, cleaning the apartment, and working on new projects.
I hope everyone's week is going well and I promise to check in again very soon. Best wishes!

Sean & I/Thoughts On Marriage

April 2012

I really struggled with whether or not I should write about this. I'm all for being raw and honest about things, but this hits so close to home that I didn't know if I really wanted to share. In the end, I decided to go ahead and write it.

Relationships are scary and messy because people and their lives are scary and messy. And marriage isn't something that should just be done. It takes a lot more than love to sustain a marriage or a long-lasting relationship.I think there is a certain expectation about relationships that people have at my age and even older, that marriage and commitment is like this fairy-tale. There is a lot of talk with girls my age and younger about finding that "Prince Charming" or "Knight in Shining Armor" which I think is really unhealthy and unrealistic. The truth is that about 99% of the time, those people don't exist, which is why I think a lot of marriages end in divorce these days. I also think a lot divorces are a result of people not being realistic about their own expectations in their marriage. And therefore, when it doesn't go the way they wanted, they are willing to quit more easily.

This post is just an example of that and I just hope that this is something people can relate to or get something out of, even if that's just a better understanding of who Sean and I are.

2012, maybe? This is an old one!

We were freshmen in college when we first met. It was the first day of classes and my astronomy professor kept us five minutes over time, so I was late to my speech class. Being a freshman, I was nervous about what sort of repercussions being late on the first day would bring me, so I practically ran to class and found the very first seat I could find at the front of the room. I sat there, out of breath, trying to get into whatever it was that my teacher was talking about. After a few minutes, I began to register my surroundings when I noticed the boy sitting next to me. John Lennon glasses; big, blue eyes; shaggy, brown hair; and high cheekbones. I thought to myself how much cuter he would be if he just shaved his chin-strap beard and learned how to dress himself. (I was kind of a bitch that semester.) But I still wanted to know him. A week or so later, I would ask him to be my partner for a project and he would enthusiastically say, "Yes!"

We bonded over philosophy, movies, music, and all the things that 'intellectuals' talk about. I thought he was weird, but we were friendly. Little did I know that his weirdness was accentuated by the fact that he was falling in love with me. By the time I got the memo, it was late October and I decided to finally give Sean a chance. We'd taken to going out late at night and walking around the campus and our small college town until morning. Later and later until you'd think we wouldn't have much more to talk about and yet, somehow, we managed to fall deeper into conversation every time. I told Sean I liked him in the first few days of November. We had our first kiss in the middle of a field at 2 in the morning. It was weird and I was self-conscious but it was the first of many great ones. The early hours of November 6th, 2011 was when our relationship (officially) began.  I remember in the very beginning, realizing that this was going to be a very important thing in my life. It would be one, if not the one, to change things. And it did.
After the first month, Sean and I had settled so comfortably into ourselves and what we were to one another. It honestly felt like he had always been there. But as happy as we may be, life still happens and sometimes it's not quite what we wanted.

Our first picture together. December 2011

We will have been together for three years and engaged for one next month. When I think about Sean and our future, it's difficult sometimes to think beyond the present. When things aren't right and stresses are ever-looming, it is very easy to forget ourselves and where we're going. That's where we've been for the past year and a half.

Marriage is something that we've had in mind for a very long time. Sean is one-hundred percent, no doubt, the person I want to 'do life' with. I want to grow with him, I want to have babies with him and raise them together, I want to live life with him and be there to support him when he fails and cheer him on when he exceeds all expectations, as he often does.
But when we get locked up in this day-to-day life of school, work, bills, adult things, over and over and over and over again, it becomes more and more difficult to remember why we're together in the first place.

At Love Park in Philadelphia, May 2013

When I get home from class and he gets home from work, or vice versa, and I'm stressed about homework or a paper I have to write, and he's annoyed about something that happened at work, and we each go to our places of release (writing, running, video games, movies, pretty much anything to get our minds off of whatever stresses we are experiencing), it's easy to take the other person for granted and just assume that they're fine doing what they're doing. This has been our life for the past year.

Then a couple months ago, something really bad happened in our family and truthfully, Sean hasn't been the same since. This has been a huge test for us, something that I have struggled with and tried to handle in the best way. Because in the most real way, for the very first time, his heart is broken.
So how do you deal with that? How do you make the decision of your life while your whole world is seemingly imploding in on itself?

Sometimes my anxieties turn into doubts and there are many days when I forget that this won't last forever and that at some point, we will finally be able to breathe. On those days, I feel the most anxiety and sadness. Remembering that it will all pass is hard. It's hard to continue on, despite knowing that things will be okay someday soon. But isn't this what marriage is about? I never expected that we'd be faced with these things during a time when we should be happy and celebrating our love for one another. But it's hard to do that when you feel like you're having to scrape away all of life's crap in order to find the beautiful things worth celebrating.

Christmas 2013. We had dinner at Fritz's with Dad and family. We got to wear those great hats!

Still, I am proud and I am thankful. It may not be ideal but now we know that we can face anything.
Marriage is scary. When you vow to be with someone for the rest of your lives, you're going to see and experience some things. Some days they will make you laugh, other days they'll make you want to scream, or cry, or lock yourself in a room and never come out again. And other days, they will make you look at your partner and think, How was I ever so lucky to find you next to me on that first day of speech class, freshman year of college?

Silly boy! Here we are in front of the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis, Missouri. Thanksgiving 2012

There is a certain idea that we have in our culture about what exactly love looks like. When I was a kid, I always thought love was all the things they say it is, "When you know, you know!", "It was love at first sight!", and all those beliefs in passion and ultimate intimacy and all that. The truth is, that kind of love happens, just not very often. But that doesn't mean it is the best or only kind of love.
My whole life, I was convinced that when I met 'the one', I would know immediately that he was the one. This clearly didn't turn out to be true. It took time for me to fall in love with Sean. And there is nothing wrong with that.
A lot of people might think, "Okay, so that's when you guys started your fiery, passionate relationship, right?"
No. When Sean and I first began our relationship, something changed. It was like my entire life up until that point had been off-center. Like, something was missing that made me feel shifty and never comfortable. But when we fell in love, it was like everything finally was where it was supposed to be. A big part of me was at peace.
And I know how non-feminist that sounds. But really, it has nothing to do with needing Sean to make me feel like a woman or give me meaning. Being with Sean isn't fireworks. It's not passion or watch-The-Notebook-over-and-over-because-that's-us. It's not the ultimate romance or whatever it is Lana Del Rey thinks she has in her songs.

Being with Sean is...home. It's family. It's the feeling of having your best friend by your side every day of your life. That's really the best way I can describe it. Being with Sean is home.

Christmas 2013, Kansas City Union Station

In three weeks, he and I will be married. And short of the moments we see our children's faces for the first time, it will be the best day of my life. Sean is my best friend, the brightness in my days, my love, my fellow explorer, my support system, and many other things. Above all, he is my other piece.
Sean is all the things I never knew I was missing.

Engagement photos. April 2014