What is Failure?

This was a photo Joe took in Portland. He said I could use it!

Things are changing around here, and I mean fast. In just a week, what Sean and I thought was our solid plan for these next few months, quickly flipped upside down when my brother Joe came home unexpectedly due to some difficulties he'd been having in Portland.

As I mentioned a while back, he moved to there to begin a new chapter in his life, but found that things just weren't working out, and among other reasons, he was homesick. Sean and I were quickly met with a decision: Should we carry on with our plans? Or, help Joe? He couldn't return to our mom's as she doesn't have room for him, so it looked like there was nowhere else for him to go. We talked a lot about it and being the motherly big sister I am, it didn't take long for me to decide that it was something we had to do, and Sean loves Joe like a brother, so he was really more than happy to have him.

We picked Joe up from the airport last night and now he's living with us until we all move into our bigger apartment next month. Sean and I are honestly really happy with this plan because it means we get to stay in the city, plus having another person sharing the expenses allows for us to actually live below our means. And of course, I get to see my brother everyday. 

Still, between Joe's situation with Portland and Sean and I changing our plan completely, it got me thinking about...well, failure. Weird, I know but hang with me. 

Sean and I both have known our share of criticism, between people who love us and just want us to be the best we can be, to others who are just plain negative. No matter the reason, I think sometimes it's easy to think about your story and wonder, "Is this failure?" 

I want to look at my brother's situation as an example. Joe had every intention to go to Portland and meet his goals. He'd find a job, save enough money, and then get his own place. But none of those goals were met, and then he found himself coming back home. In the letter I wrote him in on this blog, I said, "I am so excited for this new chapter in your life and remember that no matter what happens, it's all part of the story." While it may be part of his story, some people might see it as failure. It's bad enough he didn't achieve what he had set out do, but then he had to come back home and live with his sister. Did Joe fail?

What is failure? What does it look like? Google defines 'failure' as being "the lack of success." Well, what does that mean?? It defines 'success' as being "the accomplishment of aim or purpose." So failure is the lack of accomplishment of aim or purpose. But purposes change and can change in an instant. Life isn't straight and narrow, it's an entire universe of possibility and meaning. Everything is fluid and versatile, so it seems silly to identify one person or thing as being either just a success or just a failure. 

I think it can be so easy to think of yourself as a failure when you're young. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that the worst things in life can just be part of the story. Sean and I both have the tendency to feel this way about our lives. But at some point, we have to step back and look at the situation for what it is in comparison to everything else. 

We're about to begin a new part to this chapter in our lives and while it can be a little terrifying at times, it's also really refreshing and exciting to begin something new. "It's an adventure," Sean said when I expressed my fear of moving on. 

Adventure, change, growth, are all just part of the story. Without conflict or change, what is the story anyway? Personally, I think that the only real failure is a story that concludes before the end. As long as you don't give up and you continue to strive towards what you want, even if what you want changes a thousand times, as long as that movement is still happening, then failure is non-existent. 

Do you feel like you've failed in your life? How do you deal with change and growth?

Being a Nobody and Learning Independence in High School

"I'm freeeeeeeee!"

When I was in high school, I was a 'nobody'. I know a lot of you might read this and say, "Oh, Kaleigh, that's terrible! You weren't a nobody!" And then there are the one or two of you who actually knew me in high school, and you're saying, "Ha, yeah you were."

I'm not being self-deprecating when I say I was a nobody. What I mean is that I was completely invisible to those who weren't my friends. Many times since graduation, I've been introduced to people I went to high school with through mutual friends and every outcome is the same. In the beginning, I'd press them with descriptions and details about who I was as they struggled to remember if my face was even a familiar one. Eventually they'd end on the same note, "Yeah...I think I remember you..." But they don't.
After about a year of this without one successful remembrance, I came to the conclusion that I had long expected was true: I was a nobody in high school. I was invisible. And to be honest, I am glad,

During my freshman year of high school, my family was stationed in Fairbanks, Alaska. I lived and went to school on base and if ever there was a time when I was a "typical" teenager, it was freshman year. My friends were my life as I'd sleep through the day and romp around the base with them in the afternoon and evenings. Enveloped in the final months of MySpace before Facebook eventually took us over, we spent our time seeing movies on base in large groups, playing video games, making videos together, walking the school grounds, making snack trips to the shoppette, perusing the BX, and scavenging the Alaskan forest and lakes. The thing is, it wasn't even just the same people either. Our 'group' extended throughout the whole school. I'd only known these people for two years but I was welcomed and claimed by them as one of their own. It was like a club that never seemed to have permanent members, yet everyone was so warm and friendly and accepting. That was the closest thing I've ever come to being popular or at least well-liked by all.

Those are their actual faces. Did I mention that people in Alaska look like this?

And then I moved to Kansas City...and everything went downhill pretty much immediately.
I think there is something to be said about school for military communities versus public schools. I will save that topic for another post, but let me just say for the sake of this one, that they are vastly different. In a very bad way.

I moved to KC-north the summer before my sophomore year. I was suffering from shock and probably depression which was fueled by the recent divorce of my mom and the man who raised me from ages seven to fourteen.
I missed my friends and our tight-knit community, I missed the normalcy of being in a stable and unbroken family. Not to mention, I was having a small identity crisis as I began realizing how uninteresting 'emo' and Hottopic had become to me.
In short, I had a lot going on.

Still, I approached high school in KC with hope. Unsurprisingly, hope never came.
I've talked a lot to friends and people I knew from school (I've actually made more friends from high school after graduation than I ever did while I was there. Kids are weird.) and they all seem to agree that their time at Staley was such a wonderful time and that they miss it so much. I used to look at these people and think, "Did we even go to the same school??" and I don't think they realized it, but we didn't. Our experiences were not of the same high school.

Fay and I on the last day of school, senior year. She is a perfect example of kind of knowing someone in high school and then becoming best friends after graduation. I love her to death!

I spent high school surviving both at home and at school. The first year and a half of Staley, I spent trying to make friends and while it was successful with a person or two, I was mostly ignored. I stayed in my room most nights after school, analyzing myself. What was it about me that these people didn't like? I'm funny, I'm nice, I think I'm an interesting person. (I don't think I'm ugly...). I think I'm a delight! Why don't people like me? To this day, I don't really know the answer, although I will say that I have a better insight about my peers.

I mean, really. Who wouldn't want to be friends with me??

Kids that age tend to be very exclusionary and unaccepting of intentional change in their social groups, so it could have been that. The thing is, I recognized then that these kids had known each other most of their lives so the groups had been set for quite a while. It was something I admired and spent a lot of my time at school observing. A big part of me wished I had that, but I knew I didn't and I wouldn't. So when the second half of junior year began, something changed. I stopped trying.

I know this will sound whiny, but I truly mean it. Letting go and accepting loneliness was the best thing I did in high school. It taught me that not everyone is going to like me or think I am interesting, and that's okay. It taught me how to be happy alone and independent. Not that I don't enjoy company! If you know me, I love talking to people and of course I love the friends I have. What I'm saying is, I think loneliness is healthy sometimes, especially for young people.

I laugh now because I think back to high school when my mom thought there must be something wrong that I didn't care to go out and do 'teenager things' or drive. She'd say, "Don't you want your independence? When I was your age, I couldn't wait to get out and have mine!" I think what she didn't realize is that I totally did. My independence was expressed in the hours I spent in my room alone, listening to music and creating, or exploring the forest behind my house and taking walks around the neighborhood. It was spent sitting alone in hallways before class in the morning, listening through the MGMT albums, dreaming up ways I could run away after graduation like Chris McCandless and travel the world.

One of my of the rooms I had in high school and by far my favorite from that time.

And I cherish those moments. I know a lot of people reading this might think it's sad or that I was missing out. I remember one of my biggest annoyances was when people would take pity on me at lunch and make it a charity show with their friends to invite me over to their table. "Are you alright? Why are you sitting alone? Here, come sit with us!" (I quickly realized my mistake to accept in the beginning as most of the time, I'd move to their table and not be included in conversation.) I think that says something about our discomfort and fear of being alone.
But sometimes, people just want to be alone. I know for me personally, I am someone who must be alone in order to recharge my batteries. I spend a lot of my time in social situations analyzing and understanding, on top of the over-thinking I already do, so I am exhausted by the end of it. Being alone gives me a chance to gather myself again.

Pensive senior pic...yayyy.

I will agree with one thing, however. I think I wouldn't mind going back, knowing what I know now. (Of course that is the catch!) I know I would have worked harder academically, but I think I would have been more forgiving to my peers. I would have been more forgiving of their behaviors, things that were said, things they stood for, because the truth is, in high school, no one knows a damn thing about anything. And we're all scared. We're all lost. We're all a little self-conscious. 

If I could go back, I would have given people more of a chance.

Still, I don't regret anything, and I am grateful for the friendships I have today because of it.

What about you guys? What was high school like for you? What was your first experience with independence?

Sean & I/Thoughts On Marriage

April 2012

I really struggled with whether or not I should write about this. I'm all for being raw and honest about things, but this hits so close to home that I didn't know if I really wanted to share. In the end, I decided to go ahead and write it.

Relationships are scary and messy because people and their lives are scary and messy. And marriage isn't something that should just be done. It takes a lot more than love to sustain a marriage or a long-lasting relationship.I think there is a certain expectation about relationships that people have at my age and even older, that marriage and commitment is like this fairy-tale. There is a lot of talk with girls my age and younger about finding that "Prince Charming" or "Knight in Shining Armor" which I think is really unhealthy and unrealistic. The truth is that about 99% of the time, those people don't exist, which is why I think a lot of marriages end in divorce these days. I also think a lot divorces are a result of people not being realistic about their own expectations in their marriage. And therefore, when it doesn't go the way they wanted, they are willing to quit more easily.

This post is just an example of that and I just hope that this is something people can relate to or get something out of, even if that's just a better understanding of who Sean and I are.

2012, maybe? This is an old one!

We were freshmen in college when we first met. It was the first day of classes and my astronomy professor kept us five minutes over time, so I was late to my speech class. Being a freshman, I was nervous about what sort of repercussions being late on the first day would bring me, so I practically ran to class and found the very first seat I could find at the front of the room. I sat there, out of breath, trying to get into whatever it was that my teacher was talking about. After a few minutes, I began to register my surroundings when I noticed the boy sitting next to me. John Lennon glasses; big, blue eyes; shaggy, brown hair; and high cheekbones. I thought to myself how much cuter he would be if he just shaved his chin-strap beard and learned how to dress himself. (I was kind of a bitch that semester.) But I still wanted to know him. A week or so later, I would ask him to be my partner for a project and he would enthusiastically say, "Yes!"

We bonded over philosophy, movies, music, and all the things that 'intellectuals' talk about. I thought he was weird, but we were friendly. Little did I know that his weirdness was accentuated by the fact that he was falling in love with me. By the time I got the memo, it was late October and I decided to finally give Sean a chance. We'd taken to going out late at night and walking around the campus and our small college town until morning. Later and later until you'd think we wouldn't have much more to talk about and yet, somehow, we managed to fall deeper into conversation every time. I told Sean I liked him in the first few days of November. We had our first kiss in the middle of a field at 2 in the morning. It was weird and I was self-conscious but it was the first of many great ones. The early hours of November 6th, 2011 was when our relationship (officially) began.  I remember in the very beginning, realizing that this was going to be a very important thing in my life. It would be one, if not the one, to change things. And it did.
After the first month, Sean and I had settled so comfortably into ourselves and what we were to one another. It honestly felt like he had always been there. But as happy as we may be, life still happens and sometimes it's not quite what we wanted.

Our first picture together. December 2011

We will have been together for three years and engaged for one next month. When I think about Sean and our future, it's difficult sometimes to think beyond the present. When things aren't right and stresses are ever-looming, it is very easy to forget ourselves and where we're going. That's where we've been for the past year and a half.

Marriage is something that we've had in mind for a very long time. Sean is one-hundred percent, no doubt, the person I want to 'do life' with. I want to grow with him, I want to have babies with him and raise them together, I want to live life with him and be there to support him when he fails and cheer him on when he exceeds all expectations, as he often does.
But when we get locked up in this day-to-day life of school, work, bills, adult things, over and over and over and over again, it becomes more and more difficult to remember why we're together in the first place.

At Love Park in Philadelphia, May 2013

When I get home from class and he gets home from work, or vice versa, and I'm stressed about homework or a paper I have to write, and he's annoyed about something that happened at work, and we each go to our places of release (writing, running, video games, movies, pretty much anything to get our minds off of whatever stresses we are experiencing), it's easy to take the other person for granted and just assume that they're fine doing what they're doing. This has been our life for the past year.

Then a couple months ago, something really bad happened in our family and truthfully, Sean hasn't been the same since. This has been a huge test for us, something that I have struggled with and tried to handle in the best way. Because in the most real way, for the very first time, his heart is broken.
So how do you deal with that? How do you make the decision of your life while your whole world is seemingly imploding in on itself?

Sometimes my anxieties turn into doubts and there are many days when I forget that this won't last forever and that at some point, we will finally be able to breathe. On those days, I feel the most anxiety and sadness. Remembering that it will all pass is hard. It's hard to continue on, despite knowing that things will be okay someday soon. But isn't this what marriage is about? I never expected that we'd be faced with these things during a time when we should be happy and celebrating our love for one another. But it's hard to do that when you feel like you're having to scrape away all of life's crap in order to find the beautiful things worth celebrating.

Christmas 2013. We had dinner at Fritz's with Dad and family. We got to wear those great hats!

Still, I am proud and I am thankful. It may not be ideal but now we know that we can face anything.
Marriage is scary. When you vow to be with someone for the rest of your lives, you're going to see and experience some things. Some days they will make you laugh, other days they'll make you want to scream, or cry, or lock yourself in a room and never come out again. And other days, they will make you look at your partner and think, How was I ever so lucky to find you next to me on that first day of speech class, freshman year of college?

Silly boy! Here we are in front of the Gateway Arch in Saint Louis, Missouri. Thanksgiving 2012

There is a certain idea that we have in our culture about what exactly love looks like. When I was a kid, I always thought love was all the things they say it is, "When you know, you know!", "It was love at first sight!", and all those beliefs in passion and ultimate intimacy and all that. The truth is, that kind of love happens, just not very often. But that doesn't mean it is the best or only kind of love.
My whole life, I was convinced that when I met 'the one', I would know immediately that he was the one. This clearly didn't turn out to be true. It took time for me to fall in love with Sean. And there is nothing wrong with that.
A lot of people might think, "Okay, so that's when you guys started your fiery, passionate relationship, right?"
No. When Sean and I first began our relationship, something changed. It was like my entire life up until that point had been off-center. Like, something was missing that made me feel shifty and never comfortable. But when we fell in love, it was like everything finally was where it was supposed to be. A big part of me was at peace.
And I know how non-feminist that sounds. But really, it has nothing to do with needing Sean to make me feel like a woman or give me meaning. Being with Sean isn't fireworks. It's not passion or watch-The-Notebook-over-and-over-because-that's-us. It's not the ultimate romance or whatever it is Lana Del Rey thinks she has in her songs.

Being with Sean is...home. It's family. It's the feeling of having your best friend by your side every day of your life. That's really the best way I can describe it. Being with Sean is home.

Christmas 2013, Kansas City Union Station

In three weeks, he and I will be married. And short of the moments we see our children's faces for the first time, it will be the best day of my life. Sean is my best friend, the brightness in my days, my love, my fellow explorer, my support system, and many other things. Above all, he is my other piece.
Sean is all the things I never knew I was missing.

Engagement photos. April 2014