What is Failure?

This was a photo Joe took in Portland. He said I could use it!

Things are changing around here, and I mean fast. In just a week, what Sean and I thought was our solid plan for these next few months, quickly flipped upside down when my brother Joe came home unexpectedly due to some difficulties he'd been having in Portland.

As I mentioned a while back, he moved to there to begin a new chapter in his life, but found that things just weren't working out, and among other reasons, he was homesick. Sean and I were quickly met with a decision: Should we carry on with our plans? Or, help Joe? He couldn't return to our mom's as she doesn't have room for him, so it looked like there was nowhere else for him to go. We talked a lot about it and being the motherly big sister I am, it didn't take long for me to decide that it was something we had to do, and Sean loves Joe like a brother, so he was really more than happy to have him.

We picked Joe up from the airport last night and now he's living with us until we all move into our bigger apartment next month. Sean and I are honestly really happy with this plan because it means we get to stay in the city, plus having another person sharing the expenses allows for us to actually live below our means. And of course, I get to see my brother everyday. 

Still, between Joe's situation with Portland and Sean and I changing our plan completely, it got me thinking about...well, failure. Weird, I know but hang with me. 

Sean and I both have known our share of criticism, between people who love us and just want us to be the best we can be, to others who are just plain negative. No matter the reason, I think sometimes it's easy to think about your story and wonder, "Is this failure?" 

I want to look at my brother's situation as an example. Joe had every intention to go to Portland and meet his goals. He'd find a job, save enough money, and then get his own place. But none of those goals were met, and then he found himself coming back home. In the letter I wrote him in on this blog, I said, "I am so excited for this new chapter in your life and remember that no matter what happens, it's all part of the story." While it may be part of his story, some people might see it as failure. It's bad enough he didn't achieve what he had set out do, but then he had to come back home and live with his sister. Did Joe fail?

What is failure? What does it look like? Google defines 'failure' as being "the lack of success." Well, what does that mean?? It defines 'success' as being "the accomplishment of aim or purpose." So failure is the lack of accomplishment of aim or purpose. But purposes change and can change in an instant. Life isn't straight and narrow, it's an entire universe of possibility and meaning. Everything is fluid and versatile, so it seems silly to identify one person or thing as being either just a success or just a failure. 

I think it can be so easy to think of yourself as a failure when you're young. Sometimes it's difficult to believe that the worst things in life can just be part of the story. Sean and I both have the tendency to feel this way about our lives. But at some point, we have to step back and look at the situation for what it is in comparison to everything else. 

We're about to begin a new part to this chapter in our lives and while it can be a little terrifying at times, it's also really refreshing and exciting to begin something new. "It's an adventure," Sean said when I expressed my fear of moving on. 

Adventure, change, growth, are all just part of the story. Without conflict or change, what is the story anyway? Personally, I think that the only real failure is a story that concludes before the end. As long as you don't give up and you continue to strive towards what you want, even if what you want changes a thousand times, as long as that movement is still happening, then failure is non-existent. 

Do you feel like you've failed in your life? How do you deal with change and growth?

Lost Negatives

About a month or so ago, I was digging through some old photos when I found an abundance of film strips. You know the ones they used to give you when you got your photos printed? I looked at the negatives through the light and tried to recognize what I could from them. Some I had never seen before. Some I forgot ever existed. I decided to take them to a photo store to have them reprinted since I know they hadn't been touched for years (some of them over 20 years...there were photos of my birth in there! Yikes!) and I didn't want them just sitting in a box forever. 

Looking through those pictures after picking them up really gave me a mix of emotions. It was so exciting to remember some of the things I'd forgotten through time, but in that way I was really sad too. In those moments, I was back in Italy, and my brother and sister were little again, and we still had my favorite dogs. Everything about that time was rosy and perfect, which is one reason I hesitate to ever return to where I grew up. I don't want to ruin my memories of that time, because it was the happiest times of my life.

Here are some of my favorite prints.

Me, Jayme, and Joe, Easter 2000 (maybe?). Our mom liked to match us...

Joe and I. Yes, I was an ultra nerd. But I'm happy to say that my gap-toothed smile is no longer (as) gap-toothed.

My beautiful sister. She was adorable and girly, but had a horrible temper. If you pushed her to her breaking point, she'd leave the room, and then come back a completely different and terrifying child. I love her.

My original best friends. Love these babes.

Jayme and her blue cake teeth.

Don't know what the deal was with all these weird smiles.

View from the front of our house.

View from the back of the house. I miss those mountains so much.

Joe playing a game of some sort right after moving in.

I was a little bummed that some of these photos were so scratched, but it must have been the negatives. This was our kitchen.

First snow in our new house in Italy.

Misty and Lucy getting a taste of the snow.

A Letter to My Brother

Dear Joe,

I've begun this post many times before this one, but I could never find the right words to say. Everything got jumbled up and nothing sounded right. So here I am trying once again, but I think I will just say what I mean this time without embellishments and fancy things.

I am proud of you. You've endured so much throughout the years, and I won't pretend there weren't times when I worried a great deal about your future. But you did it. You finished school early. You made it to adulthood in once piece. And now you've moved away to the coast to pursue your dreams and experience something new. I am amazed by you.

You and I have been on each other's good sides and our worst throughout our lives. There were times when you claimed you hated me in your own boyish anger and angst, and of course, I antagonized you. But there were other times when you stood up for me, and you wanted more than anything for me to like you. I never forgot those times.

Things have changed so much over our eighteen years together. You were my baby brother, then my little brother, my playmate, my friend, annoying kid who just so happens to occupy a bedroom near mine, just a family member, to my friend again, and now you're an adult who lives in Oregon on his own! What happened?! 

The memories have come and gone. From playing with Legos and Hot Wheels in your room to holding our sister's baby for the first time to walking me down the aisle at my wedding. You're my brother, my friend, and I am proud of you.

I am so excited for this new chapter in your life and remember that no matter what happens, it's all part of the story.

I love you and best of luck, little brother.

Yours,
Kaleigh