College

A little while back, I decided to create a second blog that focused on my personal life more than 'lemonholiday' does. (Early blogging experiments). But what I have recently discovered is that by taking myself out of this blog, I have nothing left to talk about or mention, for fear that I will break the confines I created for myself. I believe in honesty and I believe in trying new things, especially when it comes to blogging. I also believe that it is important to admit and be open when something doesn't work out (a failure if you will). That being said, I've decided to delete the other blog and stick with 'lemonholiday' as my main focus. I don't want to separate myself for the sake of continuity as I believe that through time, it will all sort itself out. So, this post was one that I wrote for my other blog, that I would now like to post here instead. I think this post is a little more personal than I've been lately and I am happy with that because it is the direction I am wanting to go from now on.
I hope you all enjoy and please, feel free to share any issues you've had managing and organizing your blog. 

My mom and I on my first day of Kindergarten.
(ie. the beginning of the end. Just kidding. Kind of...

POSTED: Sunday, March 8, 2015
I began today with a very detailed plan to head to the school library and get caught up on homework, but by 12 PM, I once again found myself working through various excuses not to go. My husband's and my conversation last night was still ringing in my ears and the familiar anxiety and dread was closing in again.

Because for about the seventh time in the past three months, I am considering dropping out of college.

Sean and I laid in bed last night, discussing the present and our future when the topic of school came up. I've been struggling with college a lot these past two years. It's not that the material is hard. I think it's a mixture of being burnt out and just wanting to move on and do something different for a while. To make matters worse, I found out a few months back that I won't be graduating for another year and a half to two years. I think that realization really pushed me over the edge and so here I am again, contemplating leaving school.Sean reasoned,"If you think getting a degree will further your career, then continue. Otherwise, what is it for?" I told him it would be nice to have college to fall back on, but he pointed out that it's not like there is a window of time I need to have my degree by. "If you find later on that you need or want it, then you can just go back. But right now, your work needs you." He was right, and not only that but I need my work, and school stands in the way of a lot of that progress.

Me, my mom, and my sister on move-in day
at Northwest Missouri State, August 2011. 

The "work" Sean was referring to was blogging and my business. My business is on hiatus right now simply because I don't have the time or funds to make it work. While blogging is not at all where it needs to be at this point, especially if I am hoping to make it a full-time thing someday. School takes a lot of that time and energy that could be used to further my career. But there is a lot of pressure to continue.

Sean and I both come from very authoritative families. They're the kind that believes in "tough love" to get through to someone. Maybe it works for some, but not for us. The only thing tough love does is make us feel bad about ourselves, but certainly not enough to change our minds. At least, not anymore. I think for a long time, I felt kind of bullied into doing the "right thing" and going the "right path". I did successfully leave school for two semesters last year, but I made the mistake of returning because I felt like some in our families were pushing and pushing for me to get back in school. So I did, and I don't know if I regret it, but I have definitely spent this entire time wishing I was doing something different.

Since I began, college has been incredibly disappointing. I've never encountered something that makes me hate learning so much. The whole structure of academia is based on a kind of intelligence that is simply not practical. I've met too many truly amazing, intelligent people who feel like they have no place in school or in the world, because our education system doesn't cater to all great minds. It just caters to those who can memorize and take tests really well. And this is the entire basis for my disenchantment with college.

Don't get me wrong, though. I do believe college has great use for aspiring lawyers, and doctors, and scientists. But for people like me, I just can't face it. At least, not right now. As much as I love to learn and I love being better, I don't know if college is something I have the capacity to pursue right now.

I know some of you may be shaking your heads and saying, "You're making a mistake!" or something else along those lines, but I do wish everyone would remember that there is not a manual for this thing. There is no set plan or guidelines for the schedule of life. And I would much rather be honest with myself about how I feel about things now, than fool myself again and again in order to please others or get them off my back.

My biggest struggle right now is learning how to feel confident in my decisions as a grown, married, individual. I know me better than anyone else and I have to do what is right for me, and for my husband, of course.

That being said, it may seem like I've made my decision, but I honestly don't know. I think it really comes down to asking myself, do I think I can handle the repercussions of leaving school right now? Is getting my degree right this instant something I must have? What would I be sacrificing by staying in school?

There are so many things that must be worked through in order to make my decision. But obviously when I do, I will make it known.

Have you ever struggled with something like this? Do you always feel confident in your decisions? How have you dealt with negativity and naysayers in the past?

School, Badseed, and Christopher Elbow

Today is Saturday and I have forgotten what the weekends mean when you are in school. (I've spent my day sleeping in and reading blogs. Although, I did vacuum the floor!) As I said in my last post, things are going well and I am enjoying my schedule and classes. Everything seems to be coming into place for now, which is more than I can say about the past year and a half. However, something I am realizing, one of those "life lessons" as my mom and my grandma call them, is that just because things are going right, does not mean they go right in the ways we had wanted or expected.

Yesterday, I went to the advising office to get a technicality fixed on my transcript. Afterwards, I asked the woman if I was still okay to graduate next December. Surprised that I had even thought that as a possibility, she said, "No...let me put it this way. You have to have 120 credit hours to graduate. At the end of this school year, you will have 63." This was a little heartbreaking for me and I wished that they would have pointed this out to me the past six times I met with them this year. I had expected that Sean and I were going to leave the country and teach abroad right after I finished school. It felt like all of our plans were shredded to pieces and the thought of staying in school much longer made me sad. I kept my cool and luckily the woman was very sweet and understanding. She helped me stay positive and we worked out some possibilities for the next years.

Immediately after the meeting, I called Sean. I laughed in a frustrated way and told him that we were going to have to stay in Kansas City for two more years. But he was very sweet. He told me that it is okay and reminded me that we like Kansas City a lot. He said he figured it might take me a little longer to finish and that's completely fine, no problem. Because he and I know that we do love Kansas City. So this is what we are working through right now. We are throwing around a lot of plans and ideas at the moment, and I will share them within the next few months when we are able to figure them out more completely.

Sean worked early yesterday morning and ran errands while I went to classes. We had so much time together later in the day and since this is the first Friday in a lifetime that we've both been free, we decided to go to our favorite farmer's market in the Crossroads.
It's called, Badseed and they have the best selection of vegetables, fruits, organic baked goods and pastries, meats, cosmetics and soaps! We were really in luck yesterday since there was a lot of variety and great things to choose from. Eventually, we ended up getting some peppers, potatoes, eggs, spinach bread (nope, I didn't leave out a comma...it's spinach bread! Yum!), a chocolate chip cookie, and the most delicious pears! I highly recommend this place if you live in the Kansas City area! (They also accept food stamps if you have them!)

Afterwards, we walked a little farther down to a chocolate shop called, Christopher Elbow. We've had his chocolates before, but we'd never been to the actual shop which was exciting. The door is large and glass, and the interior is so light and clean-looking. The way the sun came through the front of the store and onto the chocolates was breath-taking. So, just some idea about CE's chocolates; they're super famous in Kansas City. Everyone knows about them and it's like, you haven't experienced KC if you haven't tried CE. Also, they are ridiculously beautiful and very expensive. $2.00 for a piece. That being said, the flavors are amazing and they are definitely worth the price. They really aren't kinds of chocolates you want to wolf down in a couple seconds. The flavors are everything. And hey! Want to try some but you don't live in Kansas City? It's cool, you can order some online.

Here are some photos of Badseed and Christpher Elbow's Chocolates!

Badseed is an indoor thing for the most part. Farmers from around KC come in with their best stuff every Friday from 4-9 and sell their goods. It's really awesome because some people will sell vegetables they grew themselves while others have breads and pastries they made from scratch! We really love Badseed!

Love these colors! August through October is the best time for harvesting!

Sean picks out some veggies!

I decided to get an organic chocolate chip cookie and Sean got the spinach/cheese bread.

Eggplants!

"Best damn veggies in the world!"

Our beautiful pears! They're really yummy too!

Christopher Elbow's Chocolates shop! 

I'd pay $85 for a 48-piece box of Christopher Elbow chocolates. 

These are the ones we got! I can't remember the flavors of them all but the red-ish one is Strawberry Balsamic, the coconut looking one is Coconut and some other stuff, the bottom right is Dark, Dark Chocolate, one of them is Coffee, another is called Persia, and I can't remember the last one.

Happy End of Summer!!

Lately

I am glad that this week is nearly over and that classes are beginning on Monday. I have been out of school for almost a year, and I actually miss it. Not only that, but I am looking forward to starting so that I can get done. Sean is graduating this May which was my original graduation time, but since I took a break, it looks like I will be done the fall after. So only one more year! We really want to move abroad right after I finish which I really look forward to. But for right now, we are here in good ol' Kansas City. 

Sean took me clothes shopping for school earlier this week which I thought was very nice of him. I just got a few things, but they will last me for quite a while, I think. It was nice spending the day with Sean again. I think we spent nearly four hours at the mall just looking at clothes. One thing I love about Sean is that he really likes shopping for clothes. He likes trying on new styles and colors and we give each other feedback about what we like and don't like about the outfits we choose. I don't think very many guys are like that about clothes, so I am very grateful that Sean is. 

Last night, we went out with a friend that we hadn't seen in a while. It was a successful night and I think everyone had a good time. We don't go out very often, but I don't mind it when we do. I rarely drink when we go out; in fact, I only had water last night, but I enjoy the conversation and watching my friends choose their next drinks. After the bar, Sean and I went to Steak and Shake before heading home. But unfortunately I don't have any pictures from last night. I really need to get better about taking photos. I think I just always feel weird about it. I am also really bad because I get caught up in the experience and I forget. Hardly a problem for most as that is something they want to do more of, but when you're out to record your experiences, it's not too great. 

We didn't come home until 5 in the morning so I ended up sleeping until 3 pm. I did, however, receive a call from the job I applied for and I got it, so that is pretty exciting. I am also really glad that I won't be starting until September 2nd as next week my focuses will be on school and getting into the swing of things again. So it seems that everything is working out for right now. 

Here are some photos from this week.

Such a babe!

I got these black pants from H&M that look kind of like leggings but they are a thicker material, so I can wear them with regular tops!

Sean's been bringing home this soda from work and it tastes so good! I love it way better (ha!) than regular Dr. Pepper!

I've been practicing on my ukulele a lot more lately. I've learned about three or four songs and it is getting easier and easier to learn new chords.

I bought this succulent from Trader Joe's! He loves just chillin' in the bathroom and looking out the window!