College

A little while back, I decided to create a second blog that focused on my personal life more than 'lemonholiday' does. (Early blogging experiments). But what I have recently discovered is that by taking myself out of this blog, I have nothing left to talk about or mention, for fear that I will break the confines I created for myself. I believe in honesty and I believe in trying new things, especially when it comes to blogging. I also believe that it is important to admit and be open when something doesn't work out (a failure if you will). That being said, I've decided to delete the other blog and stick with 'lemonholiday' as my main focus. I don't want to separate myself for the sake of continuity as I believe that through time, it will all sort itself out. So, this post was one that I wrote for my other blog, that I would now like to post here instead. I think this post is a little more personal than I've been lately and I am happy with that because it is the direction I am wanting to go from now on.
I hope you all enjoy and please, feel free to share any issues you've had managing and organizing your blog. 

My mom and I on my first day of Kindergarten.
(ie. the beginning of the end. Just kidding. Kind of...

POSTED: Sunday, March 8, 2015
I began today with a very detailed plan to head to the school library and get caught up on homework, but by 12 PM, I once again found myself working through various excuses not to go. My husband's and my conversation last night was still ringing in my ears and the familiar anxiety and dread was closing in again.

Because for about the seventh time in the past three months, I am considering dropping out of college.

Sean and I laid in bed last night, discussing the present and our future when the topic of school came up. I've been struggling with college a lot these past two years. It's not that the material is hard. I think it's a mixture of being burnt out and just wanting to move on and do something different for a while. To make matters worse, I found out a few months back that I won't be graduating for another year and a half to two years. I think that realization really pushed me over the edge and so here I am again, contemplating leaving school.Sean reasoned,"If you think getting a degree will further your career, then continue. Otherwise, what is it for?" I told him it would be nice to have college to fall back on, but he pointed out that it's not like there is a window of time I need to have my degree by. "If you find later on that you need or want it, then you can just go back. But right now, your work needs you." He was right, and not only that but I need my work, and school stands in the way of a lot of that progress.

Me, my mom, and my sister on move-in day
at Northwest Missouri State, August 2011. 

The "work" Sean was referring to was blogging and my business. My business is on hiatus right now simply because I don't have the time or funds to make it work. While blogging is not at all where it needs to be at this point, especially if I am hoping to make it a full-time thing someday. School takes a lot of that time and energy that could be used to further my career. But there is a lot of pressure to continue.

Sean and I both come from very authoritative families. They're the kind that believes in "tough love" to get through to someone. Maybe it works for some, but not for us. The only thing tough love does is make us feel bad about ourselves, but certainly not enough to change our minds. At least, not anymore. I think for a long time, I felt kind of bullied into doing the "right thing" and going the "right path". I did successfully leave school for two semesters last year, but I made the mistake of returning because I felt like some in our families were pushing and pushing for me to get back in school. So I did, and I don't know if I regret it, but I have definitely spent this entire time wishing I was doing something different.

Since I began, college has been incredibly disappointing. I've never encountered something that makes me hate learning so much. The whole structure of academia is based on a kind of intelligence that is simply not practical. I've met too many truly amazing, intelligent people who feel like they have no place in school or in the world, because our education system doesn't cater to all great minds. It just caters to those who can memorize and take tests really well. And this is the entire basis for my disenchantment with college.

Don't get me wrong, though. I do believe college has great use for aspiring lawyers, and doctors, and scientists. But for people like me, I just can't face it. At least, not right now. As much as I love to learn and I love being better, I don't know if college is something I have the capacity to pursue right now.

I know some of you may be shaking your heads and saying, "You're making a mistake!" or something else along those lines, but I do wish everyone would remember that there is not a manual for this thing. There is no set plan or guidelines for the schedule of life. And I would much rather be honest with myself about how I feel about things now, than fool myself again and again in order to please others or get them off my back.

My biggest struggle right now is learning how to feel confident in my decisions as a grown, married, individual. I know me better than anyone else and I have to do what is right for me, and for my husband, of course.

That being said, it may seem like I've made my decision, but I honestly don't know. I think it really comes down to asking myself, do I think I can handle the repercussions of leaving school right now? Is getting my degree right this instant something I must have? What would I be sacrificing by staying in school?

There are so many things that must be worked through in order to make my decision. But obviously when I do, I will make it known.

Have you ever struggled with something like this? Do you always feel confident in your decisions? How have you dealt with negativity and naysayers in the past?